Blonde Jokes

[420onthedot]

[Dixie]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St.Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St.Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball. "

St. Peter fainted.

[Khaizerex]

[Dixie]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Boston. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park…" then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Khaizerex]

[Dixie]

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde bimbo and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the blond, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Khaizerex]

[Dixie]

The other day, I was getting into an elevator.
As I entered, a blonde woman already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F."
I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T."

She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T- G -I - F."
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T."

The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said, "T -G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday…get it?"

I answered back, "S - H - I - T… Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Khaizerex]

[Dixie]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Who ever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're WATCH dogs!

[dire straights]

[Blondie]

[Khaizerex]

[Blondie]

Oh kiss my

[telboy]

HelOOOooo oooooo oooooooo oooooooo - I had one wine too many
Blondes are so hard on themselves - its almost masochistic ( or is it sadistic)

[Programmer]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[Dixie]

A young blonde, who had just started her first secretarial job, is handed a thermos and directed to go out for coffee at the nearby coffee shop. When the counterman finally notices her, she holds up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" she asks.

The counterman looks at the thermos. "I guess so. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Great," she says. "Give me two regulars, three blacks, and a decaf."

[Khaizerex]

[Blondie]

I'm feeling the urge to post some southern jokes

[Dixie]

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[Dixie]

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of Lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten before talking.

SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate

[Dixie]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[Dixie]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Dixie]

Similar to one I posted earlier but I work with lawyers and wanted to keep this one