brave man jokes

[Dave]

Q. What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?

A. Lip gloss!


Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!


Q. What do you call an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, understanding woman?

A. A rumor!


Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

A. About eight beers!


Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?

A. Her chain is too long!


Q. How is a wife like a diploma?

A. You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you aren't really sure what they are good for.


Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None! It should be opened by the time she brings it!


Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you!


Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A. It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink!


Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really smart?

A. When she begins a sentence with, "A man once told me!"


Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't! There's a clock on the oven!


Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?

A. The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in!


Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A. A woman who won't do what she's told!


Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A. Divorced!


Q. What food has been discovered to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A. Wedding cake!


Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to!


Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry her!


Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?

A. Marry him!


Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head?

A. Jack!


Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

A. Ilene!


Q. What do you call a man hanging on the wall?

A. Art!


Q. Why do they call it P.M.S.?

A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!


Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet?

A. Because it helps them to remember which end to wipe!


Q. What is the difference between Mike Tyson and a rabid pit bull?

A. You can reason with the pit bull!


Q. What are the 3 fastest means of communication?

A. Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!


Q. Why are married men fatter than single men?

A. Single men come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!


Q. If a woman was hit by a motorcyclist, whose fault would it be?

A. The motorcyclist, of course! He should never have been riding his bike in the kitchen!


Q. What's the difference between teachers and wives?

A. Teachers tend to get a little behind at work. Wives get a big behind at home!


Q. How did the science teacher determine if his classroom's skull was from a male or female skeleton?

A. If the jawbone is wore down, it's definately a female!


Q. What is the longest sentence known to man?

A. I do!


Q. How are women like UFOs?

A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is or what time they're going to fly off!

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A husband and wife were dining out when the wife noticed her ex-husband at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." The husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

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An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. "You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you?" "I am 78," the man said. "78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained. "What does that have to do with your health?" asked the doctor. "Well, I've pretty much lived an outdoor life!"

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. The fortune teller gazed into her crystal ball and said, "I see you are the father of two children." The man laughed, "That's what you think! I'm the father of three children!" The fortune teller laughed back, "That's what YOU think!"

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A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked he husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" The husband replied, "Not at all dear! Our house isn't blue!"

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What in the world are you doing?" He answered, "Hunting flies!" "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. He replied, "Yep! Three males and two females!" Intrigued, the wife asked, "How can you tell?" The man responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!"

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A man went to the doctor. The doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you are afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." The man asked, "Well, isn't there anything I can do?" The doctor replied, "Well, if I were you, I'd join one of those fancy spas and start taking daily mud baths." The man asked, "Will mud baths cure me?" The doctor answered, "Not really, but at least you will get used to being covered in dirt!"

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A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman in the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her right on the mouth! She jumped up and slapped him silly! The drunk immediately apologized and explained, "I'm so sorry! I thought you were my wife! You look exactly like her!" The woman screamed, "Who would marry you, you worthless, wretched, no good, piece of trash drunk!" The drunk then said, "Funny, you even sound like her!"

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Two newly married men were sitting around talking about their wives. Their conversation drifted to their wives cooking habits. The first man said, "I bought my wife a cookbook, but she couldn't do a thing with it!" The second man asked, "What, too much fancy cooking in it?" The first man replied, "No, it's just every recipe began the same way - "Take a clean dish and...!"

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A man was hunting one rainy day and slipped on some wet grass and banged his head knocking himself out. When he woke up, a bear was standing over him. He closed his eyes and prayed asking God that this be a Christian bear. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see the bear on his knees praying, "Bless this food I am about to receive!"

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Two men went deer hunting. The first man said, "Did you see that?" He then pointed to the sky. The second man answered, "No." The first guy then said, "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy said, "Did you see that?" The second guy asked, "See what?" The first guy replied, "Are you blind?! There was a big, black bear walking on that hill over there!" A few minutes later the first guy turns and points behind them and asks, "Did you see that?" The second guy had had enough and said, "Yeah! I saw it!" The first guy then asked, "Then why did you step in it?!"

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Two men went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They went out and got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in the bull and then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose mating call. Before too long, their call was answered by a bull in the forest. They called again and the bull answered closer to them. They called again and the bull answered as he came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bull's pounding hoof beats drew closer, the guy in the front of the costume said, "OK, let's get out and get him!" After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back of the costume yelled, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?!" The man in front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass! You'd better brace yourself!"

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A man walked up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to give good loving. Not amused, she slammed the door on the man. A little late, the same man knocked on the door and asked the woman if she knew how to give good loving. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. That evening, the woman told her husband about the incident. He said he would stay home to next day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to give good loving, she replied, "I sure do! Why do you ask?!" The man then said, "Good! Give some of that good loving to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay away from my wife!"

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A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and transfers it to the father. Would you like to try it?" The husband, a true man, said he would. The doctor hooked up the machine and put it on 10% of the pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said, "I feel alright. Go ahead and turn it up some more." So the doctor cranked it up to 50%. The husband said, "Why don't you go ahead and crank it up all the way?! I'm not feeling a thing!" The doctor warned the husband, "This much pain could very well kill you if you aren't prepared!" The husband replied, "I can take it!" So the doctor cranked up the machine to 100%, and the husband didn't feel a thing! A few days later the couple took their newborn home after a pain free labor. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the front porch!

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God came to Adam and asked, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he was lonely. He didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be known as woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?" God replied, "An arm and a leg!" Adam thought about and asked, "What can I get for a rib?!"

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It seems that when God was making the world, he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of a normal sex life. Man was horrified, "Only 20 years?" But God didn't budge. That's all God would grant him. Then God called the monkey aside and gave hime 20 years of a normal sex life. The monkey protested, "But I don't need 20 years! 10 years would be plenty!" Man spoke up and asked, "Then can I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed graciously. Then God called the lion aside and gave him 20 years of a normal sex life. The lion protested, "I only need 10 years!" Again man spoke up and asked the lion if he could have the other 10 years. Of course, the lion agreed. Then God called forth the donkey. He was also given 20 years of a normal sex life. Like the other animals, the donkey said that he only needed 10 years. Once again the man asked for the spare 10 years and again he received them. Thus, this explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of "lion" about it and 10 years of making an ass out of himself!

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Old Preacher Brown shunned cars and preferred riding his donkey to church. Once there, he would tie the donkey to a tree next to an old, dry, boarded up well. The small town made do with one building for conducting school during the week, and church services were held one the second floor of the building. The preacher's pulpit was right in front of a large glass window, overlooking the old well and the tree he tied his donkey to while preaching. One Sunday, some kids in the back pews were bored with the old preacher's sermon, and began playing with matches. As luck would have it, they set fire to a couple of old hymnals. The fire spread quickly and in their haste to get downstairs and escape to safety, several churchgoers were trampled. The preacher took one look out the window behind him, saw his donkey still standing there tied to that tree and decided to jump through the window, land on his donkey and ride for help. The preacher jumped, but instead of landing on his donkey, he hit the old well and fell to his death. They buried him and the tombstone read: Here lies Preacher Brown. He couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground!

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "So am I," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a whole bunch of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me, too. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK" said the first, and they plopped down basking in the sun. As soon as they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he said, "I just love baskin' robins."

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An old country farmer had just paid his taxes and was in serious financial trouble, so he bought a mule from a young farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some very bad news. The mule died." The old country farmer was a little miffed. "Well, then, just give me my money back." The young farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." The old country farmer said, "OK, then. Just unload the mule." The young farmer was shocked, "What are you gonna do with a dead mule?" The old farmer smiled proudly, "I'm going to raffle him off." The young farmer couldn't believe his ears! "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" The old farmer just smiled and said, "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two met up and the young farmer asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" The old farmer proudly answered, "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898." The young farmer was shocked, "Didn't anyone complain?" The old farmer nodded, "Just the guy who won." The young farmer asked, "Well, what did you do?" The old farmer smiled and said, "I gave him his two dollars back!"

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A universal study on the mysterious Bigfoot was conducted in the Pacific Northwest. Three scientists from three different countries decided to go out into the woods for three months with the most sophisticated equipment known to mankind, in hopes of finally proving the existence of Bigfoot. An American scientist from Washington met with a Russian scientist and a scientist from Czechoslovakia. Together all three scientists went off into the woods of the Pacific Northwest in search of Bigfoot. Three months pass, and no one had heard from any of the scientists. After pressure from the visiting scientists' home countries, an expedition was conducted to find the missing scientists. After a few days of searching, the search party came upon a den housing a family of Bigfoot: a daddy Bigfoot, a mama Bigfoot and a daughter Bigfoot. Upon closer examination, the search party noticed clothing belonging to the missing scientists laying on the ground around the Bigfoot family. The Bigfoot family tried to flee, but the search party shot at the family of Bigfoot. The search party killed the mama Bigfoot and the daughter Bigfoot, but the daddy Bigfoot got away. The searchers dragged the Bigfoot carcasses back to their camp, and performed autopsies to determine if they had eaten the missing scientists. After dissecting the mama Bigfoot, the searchers discovered the remains of the missing American scientist. After dissecting the daughter Bigfoot, the searchers found the remains of the missing Russian scientist. The head doctor then informed the search party, "I'm afraid that is it. We have the remains of the missing American scientist and the remains of the missing Russian scientist, but I'm afraid we don't have a trace of the missing Czechoslovakian scientist. Did you happen to see any other Bigfoots?" The head of the search party stepped forward and replied, "Yes, we did. A daddy Bigfoot got away from us." The doctor nodded with understanding, "Oh, I see. So the Czech is in the male!"

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There was a bartender that ran a contest for many years in his establishment. On the bar was a dried up lemon and a mug. The bartender offered $1000.00 to anyone who could squeeze just one drop of lemon juice out of the dried up lemon. Night after night, the bartender had the biggest, muscled up men try and fail. One night a little man in a suit walked into the bar. He approached the bartender and asked, "Has anyone won that $1000.00 yet?" The bartender just laughed and said, "No, and by the looks of things, no one will either!" The little man removed his horn rimmed glasses, placed them inside his shirt pocket next to his pocket protector, and picked up the shriveled up lemon. He then proceeded to fill the empty mug with lemon juice. He then asked the bartender, "Got another empty glass?" The shocked bartender handed him another mug. The nerd filled that mug as well. Before long, he had filled enough mugs to give everyone in the bar a glass of lemon juice. The bartender handed the little nerd the $1000.00 prize and said, "Listen, mister. I've had bodybuilders, wrestlers, boxers and tons of men bigger than you try to do that and they failed! How in the heck did you do that?!" The little nerd placed the $1000.00 in his shirt pocket, put his horn rimmed glasses back on and said, "I work for the IRS!!"

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Three old ladies go to a St. Louis Cardinals' baseball game. They've never been to a baseball game before and they are very excited. To make the game a little more interesting, they bring along a bottle of Jack Daniels. It's a really good game and the crowd's into it. Everybody is having a good time. The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their Cokes and are having a great time. There's still a lot of game left when they realize that they are out of Jack Daniels. The question is: What inning is it? The answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spent all of his paycheck. When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. For nearly two hours she let him have it! Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" The hung over husband replied, "That would be fine with me." So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see his wife. By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!

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Three sons left home, went out on their own, and all three did very well financially. One day the three sons got back together and discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for Mother's Day. The first son said, "I built a huge mansion for our mother." The second son said, "I sent Mom a Mercedes with a chauffeur." The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom always enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that now she can't see very well? Well, I sent her a parrot that has been trained to recite the entire Bible from beginning to end! It took the elders in the church twenty years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it!" A week later their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote to the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole dang house!" "Gerald," she wrote to her second son, "I am too old to travel. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And when I do, the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious!"

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off of his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a huge hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

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A successful young couple had a infant son. The parents were a little worried that their son wouldn't grow up to be as successful as they were, so they decided to conduct a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the floor. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk." The parents placed their infant son down in front of the three items and waited. Their infant son crawled over and took the 10-dollar bill. After that, he crawled over and took the Bible. Finally, he crawled over and grabbed the bottle. The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Oh dear, it's even worse than I ever could have imagined!" "What do you mean?" his wife asked. The father replied, "He's gonna be a politician!"

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around acting like a real jerk. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As the trooper was writing out the ticket, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer asked the trooper, "Having some problems with them circle flies there?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are called. I have never heard of circle flies." The farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's butt?!" The farmer said, "Oh, no, officer! I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's butt!" The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "It's hard to fool them flies, though."

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Two men were walking through the woods one day and they came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. He turned to the other guy and said, "That must be one deep hole! Let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit the bottom." The men found a bigger rock, picked it up, lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a railroad tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. Again, there was no sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind! The goat flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole! The men were shocked! A few minutes later, an old farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer about the unbelievable incident they had just witnessed: they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into a big hole in the ground! The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. The old farmer said, "No, that can't be my goat! My goat was chained to a railroad tie!"

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Three men were in the hospital waiting room when the nurse rushed in and said to the first man, "Sir, you're the proud new father of twins." The man said, "Hey! Isn't that a coincidence? I'm a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team!" A little later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the proud new father of triplets." The man exclaimed, "What a coincidence! I work at Three Rivers Stadium!" The third man jumped to his feet, grabbed his hat and said, "I'm getting out of here! I work for 7-UP!"

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It was show and tell time at school. The teacher decided that since Father's Day was coming up, she would ask the class to bring something to class from their father's work place. One little boy stood up and presented the teacher with a wrapped box. The little boy then said, "My daddy is a florist." The teacher shook the box, held it overhead and said, "I bet it's flowers." "That's right!" The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. She handed the teacher a smaller, flat box. The teacher held the box overhead, shook it and said, "I bet it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" said the girl. The next student was the son of the liquor store owner. He handed the teacher a larger box that was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "It's a puppy!!"

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A duck walks into a drugstore to buy some lip gloss. The cashier asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!"

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A state trooper pulled over a motorist and asked him, "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" The driver jumped out of his truck, ran to the back of the vehicle, fell to his knees and let out a long, painful moan. The state trooper couldn't believe the driver was so upset over a little broken tail light, so he decided not to give him a ticket. The trooper walked over to the man and said, "Come on, now. It's alright. I'm not even going to give you a ticket. It's not that serious at all!" The man looked up at the trooper and through his tears asked, "It's not serious?! Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?!"

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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggested a faithful dog. The man replied, "A dog? How about something a little different?" The owner said, "Well, how about a cat?" The man replied, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, "I've got it! How about a centipede?!" The man said, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing anything, but, I have to admit that it is a different type of pet, so okay. I'll get a centipede." The man got the centipede home and tells the pet, "Clean the kitchen." Ten minutes later, the man walks into the kitchen and it's spotless! All of the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the countertops had been cleaned, the appliances were sparkling and the floor had been waxed! The man was simply stunned! Next the man tells the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Ten minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet had been vacuumed, the furniture had been cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa had been fluffed and the plants had been watered! The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next the man tells the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, still no centipede. By this point, the man was wondering what's going on. The man ran to the front door, threw it open and there was the centipede sitting right outside on the porch! The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store an hour ago to get me a newspaper. What's the holdup?!" The centipede said, "I'm going! I'm going! I've just got to put my shoes on!"

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Every morning on her way to work a woman passed a pet store. At this pet store, there was a parrot that sat on his perch each day shouting obscenities at her and telling her how fat and ugly she was. This went on for weeks until finally one day the lady had all she could take. The lady went into the pet store and told the owner, "If you don't do something about that obnoxious bird, I will buy him and shoot him!" The owner apologized profusely and told the lady he would have a talk with the bird, and the bird would never call her fat and ugly again! The very next day, the lady walked past the pet store. Sure enough, there was the parrot sitting on his perch looking at her. The lady walked by the parrot, not even looking at him. As she passed the parrot, he yelled out, "Hey Lady!'" The lady turned around and asked, "What do you want?!" The parrot looked at her and said, "You know!"

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Two buddies named Joe and Bob were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world. For their entire lives, Joe and Bob discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to over 80 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Cardinal's victory over the Cubs earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Joe awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Joe asked. "Of course it's me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Joe exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" Bob replied, "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" After a little thought, Joe said, "Tell me the good news first." Bob then said, "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven." Joe said, "That's great! So what could possibly be the bad news?" Bob answered, "You're the starting pitcher tomorrow night!"

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A woman took her 16 year old daughter to the doctor. The doctor asked the mother, "What's the problem?" The mother answered, "It's my daughter. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gave the daughter a good examination then turned to the mother and said, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant." The shocked mother said, "Pregnant?! She can't be! She has never ever been left alone with a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stared. About five minutes passed by and finally the mother asked, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

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A man was driving home on Christmas Eve when he suddenly realized that he still hadn't bought his daughter a present. The man quickly drove to the mall, ran into the toy store and asked an employee, "How much is that Barbie doll in the window?" The employee asked, "Which Barbie? We have Athletic Barbie for $19.95, Cinderella Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Nightclubbing Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $250.00!" The man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $250.00 while all of the others are only $19.95?" The employee answered, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture!"

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and went to Heaven where they were met by St Peter. "In honor of the season," St Peter said to the men, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get in." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out two lighters. He held them up proudly and flicked them on. St. Peter asked, "What do they symbolize?" "They're candles!" St. Peter said, "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates!" The second man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. He held them up proudly and shook them. St. Peter asked, "What do they symbolize?" "They're bells!" St. Peter said, "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates!" The third man disappeared for a few minutes, only to return wearing a miniskirt! St. Peter asked, "What does that symbolize?" The man answered, "It's Carol's!"

_________________________________________


An 82-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor cautioned him about his age and sent him home with a lecture on the proper lifestyle. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm! At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "You must really be doing great!" The old man replied, "Just doing what you said: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"

_________________________________________


Women's faults are many, men have only 2: Everything we say and everything we do!

_________________________________________


During their 40th wedding anniversary party, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration. His friends asked, "Bob, just what is it that you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Bob responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd just stayed single!"

_________________________________________


A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat! The doctor asked the man what happened. The man said, "Well, it was like this. To celebrate our 10th anniversary, I took my wife out for a round of golf, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for the golf balls, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white near its butt. I walked over and lifted up the cow's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it! The golf ball was stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big mistake." The doctor asked, "What did you do?" Through obvious pain, the man answered, "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, Honey, this looks like yours!' The next thing I know, I'm here in the emergency room!"

_________________________________________


A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his wife a large plot in an expensive cemetery as an anniversary gift. On their next anniversary, the man bought his wife nothing. The wife was quick to comment on her husband's thoughtlessness. The man replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

_________________________________________


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When the couple came home, the bride immediately called her mother. The bride's mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" The bride answered in tears, "Oh, Mom, the honeymoon was wonderful! But as soon as we started home, my husband started using the most horrible language I had ever heard! There were all of these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mom!" The bride's mother said, "Honey, calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?" The bride cried harder, "Please don't make me tell you, Mom! I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! Come get me, please!" The bride's mother persisted, "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Still crying, the bride said, "Oh, Mom he said awful four lettered words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK!"

_________________________________________


There was an old man wandering around the supermarket yelling at the top of his lungs, "Crisco, Criiiiiiiscoooo!" A store clerk approached the man and said, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 8." The old man replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife!" The store clerk asked, "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old man answered, "Oh, no. I only call her that when we're out in public!" The store clerk asked, "Well, what do you call her when you are at home?" The old man answered, "Lard butt!"

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Three men were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. The first man said, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed! I think she is cheating on me with a carpenter!" The second man answered, "Yeah, I think my wife is cheating, too. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheating on me with a plumber!" The third man joined in, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for you! I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed! My wife is cheating on me with a horse!!"

_________________________________________


A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all of his financial records. He then sat for hours as the IRS agent pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle!" The broker asked, "Why would you say that?" The IRS agent answered, "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career!"

_________________________________________


I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. I have also learned that if you upset your wife even more, you will get the silent treatment. Think about it. Isn't it worth the extra effort?!

_________________________________________


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!" The man's wife looked a little puzzled, but brought her husband a beer. When he finished, the man said, "Quick, bring me another beer! It's going start any time now!" This time the man's wife got a little angry, but brought him a beer anyway. When the beer was gone, the man said, "Quick, bring me another beer before it starts!" The wife finally blows her top, "That's it, you bum! You walk in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?!" The husband sighed and said, "Oh, well...it's started!"

_________________________________________


One day a doctor notice one of his elderly patients strutting down the street with a super model-looking young woman decked out in a tight mini-skirt and nearly popping out of a leather tank top! Unable to believe the old man could keep up with such a young starlet, the doctor walked up to the grinning old man and asked him what he was doing. The old man replied, "Just following your orders, Doc! You told me to get a hot momma and be cheerful!!" The doctor corrected the old man, "No, I told you that you have a heart murmur, and to be careful!"

_________________________________________


A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all of the things around the house that he used to do. When his examination was complete, the man said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." The doctor said, "Well, in plain English, you're just lazy!" The man then said, "OK, now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife!"

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An old man went for his annual physical, and all of his tests came back with normal results. The doctor asked the man, "How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" The old man replied, "Oh, yeah! God and me are real tight. He knows that I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night, the light comes on when I've got to go to the bathroom! When I'm done, the light goes off!" The doctor went ahead and dismissed the old man, although he thought this was really strange. Before the man left his office, the doctor called his wife into his office. The doctor told the old man's wife, "Your husband is fine physically. However, I am worried about his mental state. Your husband claims that he gets up during the night and God turns the light on in the bathroom for him, and when he's finished with his business, God turns the light off!" The old man's wife shook her head and said, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

________________________________________


A man and his wife were driving down a country road arguing. The couple was silent until the husband drove past a hog farm. The wife looked over at her husband, and asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband answered, "Nope, just in-laws!"

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A man came home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapsed in bed. The man was just about asleep when his wife rolled over and asked, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, love starved woman lying right next to you?" The man answered, "Don't worry, honey, I'd stay faithful to you!"

________________________________________

[Don't Blink]

Damn that's a lot of jokes - some really good ones too

[Quercus]

You should have spread them out more over time. It's a pretty daunting task to read them all at once. And as Don't Blink said, there's some really good ones in there.

[Sting]

I would have to agree with Don't Blink and Quercus. Nice jokes, just should have spread them out over time.

[Draven]

Hey those were quite funny but quite a lot to read there in one go lol

[Maria]

Verrrrry long but funny nonetheless. I feel like I was just school-ed.

[corona babe]

okay, I for one only read the first few and thought - you are a complete a$$!!

somebody tell me this guy is kidding?

[Quercus]

somebody tell me this guy is kidding?

He's kidding.

[Lauren0]

Some great jokes there, thanks!!

[telboy]

Hey ... I with the babe ... Cool Dave, you are a rat

[Maxie]

Such a nice rat

[telboy]

yep .. we're screwed

.... and yet we struggle on without reason or purpose (dreaming of the old days when men were men and women were helpless)

[Jack Flash]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it to him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

...and now I really must be going  

[mid_nite_poet]

Oh sure,, post and run...

[Jack Flash]

Yeah well I'm not stupid  -  I would like to live long enough to see grandchildren

[cerina]

As long as they are all male.

[Dixie]

Why ?

[daftlass]

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

So very true

[Melekkalbi]

Lol, I know I should be offended, but those are just sooo funny!

[Dirtzinert]

Jack...That was good, but I gotta say you got some

on you!

[Sting]

Of course I don't believe any of this, but.....


Men strike back!


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.



Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.



In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[cerina]

Has Q seen that, Sting?

[mid_nite_poet]

Did you see how it started that Cerina

Of course I don't believe any of this, but.....

nice save there Sting.. or should I say smart

[Maxie]

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

We call that evolution ..
we are the ones making this world evolve ...be happy we are giving you the credit