only a man would do this

[Dirtzinert]

Quoted from EHOWA... (Kinda long, but good...)

Dear Friends,
My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this
earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer
and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No
doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime
movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy"
is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to
safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the
directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
way!" no cotton-pickin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead
of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty
good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and HOLY **************!!!! I'm pretty sure
that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me
up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my ZZZbody
in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
your thigh like yours truly.) OH MAN!!!***** that hurt! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran
away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, pretty good size,
and handsome if I must say so myself. At least that's how I remember
them.
Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Dan

[Dixie]

Are you sure thats a quote from someone else Dan ...er Dirtzinert



PS ... I hope you find you testicles soon

[tiger~lilly]

Well, that's what he gets for playing around with a tazer!! If he knew what they did, why the heck did he do it on himself?? What an ass!

[Dixie]

Well, that's what he gets for playing around with a tazer!! If he knew what they did, why the heck did he do it on himself?? What an ass!

You know how guys are. It's not good enough that it works, they have to take it apart and find out how it works But then they can't get it to work again.

[tiger~lilly]

Yeah, and if he were thinking, he would have taken it apart before using it on himself and his testicles wouldn't be missing!~


*So Sting, have you found your testicles yet?*

[Dirtzinert]

Are you sure thats a quote from someone else Dan ...er Dirtzinert



PS ... I hope you find you testicles soon

Yep, I don't even screw in lightbulbs! Wait...that didn't sound right...you know what I mean dammit!

[Moodyblue772]

My friend got a little taser... it had the little arch of electricity. We zapped her bf with it when he wasn't looking (through his jeans)... he jumped 5 feet in the air and then grappled it from us and turned it on us (it was on a very low setting). He chased us until he finally caught both of us. This one wasn't strong enough to hurt... just really scare you if you didnt expect it.

[Dixie]

[Sting]

*So Sting, have you found your testicles yet?*

Wrong Dan. I looked and mine were still there.

And they still work. Here they are now.

[tiger~lilly]

Just making sure!~

[Quercus]

*So Sting, have you found your testicles yet?*

Wrong Dan. I looked and mine were still there.

And they still work. Here they are now.

I'll vouche for him. Both the little guys are there and just as cute as ever.

[mid_nite_poet]

*So Sting, have you found your testicles yet?*

Wrong Dan. I looked and mine were still there.

And they still work. Here they are now.

That is good to know sting. Sure Q is happy about that also...

[Moosehorn Ridge]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant.  The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat
to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!!  (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!!  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, “don’t do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!!  A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
did they end up there???  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!!  I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[cerina]

I bet he isn't the only one.

[mid_nite_poet]

Bet he won't try that again...

[mr wiseguy]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!