3 paddys out for dinner

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poor paddy

Postby johno » 28 Feb 11, 6:46 am

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
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Re: O'Reilly's toast

Postby mid_nite_poet » 17 Mar 11, 6:48 pm

O'Reilly sure got around... :mrgreen: Still a good one though.. :lmao:
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paddy & murphy

Postby johno » 26 Mar 11, 12:25 pm

paddy sees murphy in hospital with both his feet bandaged
paddy asks , ; murph wats that about
murph says ,,,,its that fucking asda again.
i bought a sponge pudding and it say,s to stand in boiling water for ten minutes
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Re: paddy & murphy

Postby johno » 31 Mar 11, 2:24 pm

:lol: :lmao:
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the irish

Postby johno » 25 May 11, 1:32 pm

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

:screwy:
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paddy s

Postby johno » 25 May 11, 1:39 pm

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
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irish joiners

Postby johno » 25 May 11, 1:40 pm

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them
away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
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irish suicide attempt

Postby johno » 25 May 11, 1:43 pm

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
feet. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
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the irish... again..lol

Postby johno » 09 Jun 11, 3:24 am

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.


:rotflmao: :lmao:
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2012 olympics

Postby johno » 21 Jul 11, 4:45 pm

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a small manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says,"Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing..."
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Irish Poker

Postby Jack Flash » 31 Jul 11, 4:18 pm

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

Yes Ma'am 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
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Irish Wedding Reception

Postby Jack Flash » 22 Jan 12, 10:15 am

Recently at an Irish wedding reception someone yelled…

“Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living.”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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paddy.

Postby johno » 28 Feb 12, 5:57 am

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....



'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)











'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
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Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub

Postby Jack Flash » 01 Mar 12, 11:21 am

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub looking out the window at the brothel across the street.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”
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love the irish.

Postby johno » 31 Mar 12, 10:52 am

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

----------------------- ------------ ------------------------

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
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One Night in an Irish Graveyard

Postby Jack Flash » 29 Aug 12, 5:23 pm

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Re: Irish jokes

Postby Jack Flash » 21 Sep 12, 11:31 am

:lmao: :lmao: Irish and Blonds


An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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Paddy's Wedding

Postby Don't Blink » 08 Oct 12, 11:35 pm

It's Paddy's wedding and Murphy gets up to give his best man speech.

"I will keep this short and sweet,as I don't want to fuck it up by saying something that upsets people,so raise your glasses and wish Paddy and his beautiful new bride a wonderful honeymoon in Wales".

Paddy shouts "What the feck you going on about Murphy,we aren't going to Wales on our honeymoon"

"Oh,my mistake" said Murphy "I thought you said you was going to Bangor for two weeks after the reception"
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paddy on bondi beach.

Postby johno » 06 Mar 13, 5:07 am

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.So he asked

the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.

They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two

sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have

all the babes ya want!'



The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos,

and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,

covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back

to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,

'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in the front!'
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irish jokes

Postby johno » 18 Mar 13, 5:26 am

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey !'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one."

****************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven ?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven ?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven ?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

*************************************

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'

*********************************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper ?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died. Did !'

'Yes, I saw it !' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from ?'

***********************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking ?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine ?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord !
He's done it again !'

**********************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah ?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end ?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say ?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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more paddy jokes.

Postby johno » 23 Mar 13, 6:34 am

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"
………………………………………………..
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
--------oOo---------
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair..
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
--------- -------- oOo --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
-----------oOo- ---------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
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paddy wanting to become a priest.

Postby johno » 05 Jun 13, 3:30 am

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable ?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!".
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paddy.

Postby johno » 08 Jul 13, 4:34 am

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"SEX", Paddy replies.
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Irish Jokes

Postby Jack Flash » 12 Jul 13, 3:55 pm

3 paddys are out for dinner

English Paddy tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"

Scottish Paddy asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"

Irish Paddy says "pass me the milk, Cow."
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