3 paddys out for dinner

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Irish Jokes ... Non-PC

Postby cerina » 22 Mar 08, 10:26 am

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."





Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?





Jimmy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"




Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"




It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
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Re: Irish Jokes ... Non-PC

Postby cerina » 24 Mar 08, 1:56 pm

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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Re: Irish Jokes ... Non-PC

Postby mr wiseguy » 24 Mar 08, 3:25 pm

A drunk Irishman staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
:lmao:
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Re: Irish Jokes ... Non-PC

Postby cerina » 24 Mar 08, 3:34 pm

:lmao:



Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"
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paddy and colleen

Postby mr wiseguy » 27 Apr 08, 4:37 am

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy,whip me,whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
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Stammerers Action group

Postby mr wiseguy » 14 May 08, 1:18 am

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her ‘Stammerers Action’ group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,
‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’

The Englishman piped up, ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.

‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next?’.

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.

‘That’s no better. There’ll be no wild sex for you either afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?’.

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, ‘London’.

‘That’s Brilliant, Paddy!’, said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, ‘d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’
:lmao:
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Burial At Sea The Irish Way!

Postby mr wiseguy » 21 May 08, 12:56 am

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."
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Re: Burial At Sea The Irish Way!

Postby mid_nite_poet » 21 May 08, 5:08 am

That is a good one.. :lmao: :lmao:
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over weight irishman

Postby mr wiseguy » 26 May 08, 10:46 am

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fuckin' skippin'
:lmao:
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dangerous sports

Postby mr wiseguy » 29 May 08, 4:39 am

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' :lmao:

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' :lmao: :lmao:

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.. And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Re: dangerous sports

Postby cerina » 29 May 08, 7:33 am

:lmao: :lmao: That's one of my favourite jokes. :mrgreen:
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Re: dangerous sports

Postby mr wiseguy » 29 May 08, 10:11 am

:laughingup: :laughingup: :laughingup: :laughingup: i get the picture :lmao:
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Greek vs Irish ..

Postby mid_nite_poet » 13 Jun 08, 7:48 pm

Greek vs Irish ..

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing
who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the
Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the
Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the
first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones
who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who
introduced it to women.'
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Re: Greek vs Italian ..

Postby Sting » 13 Jun 08, 8:36 pm

*Sting would like to personally thank all Irishman for the contributions they have made to mankind. :thumb:
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Re: Greek vs Italian ..

Postby cerina » 14 Jun 08, 5:01 am

And on behalf of womankind, I would like to add my grateful thanks. :thumb: :lmao:
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paddys pregnant sister

Postby mr wiseguy » 29 Jul 08, 7:42 am

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into
a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes
up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a
girl. The
babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named
them. The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me
brother, he's a blomin' clueless idiot... Expecting the
worst, she asks the doctor,'Well, what's me
daughter's name?' 'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,
I guess I was wrong about me brother', she thought....'I really
like
Denise Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?' The
doctor replies 'Denephew'
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: ok i try
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paddy??

Postby johno » 30 Aug 08, 11:41 am

Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying a cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting !' :wtf: :wav: :angel: :lmao:
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Re: paddy??

Postby cerina » 30 Aug 08, 12:17 pm

He's going to try budgiejumping instead. :lmao: :lmao:
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Re: paddy??

Postby Spirit of Desire » 30 Aug 08, 1:22 pm

cerina wrote:He's going to try budgiejumping instead. :lmao: :lmao:


:lol: I have never reccomended anyone for D$$ before but I demand that Cerina gets some for that.

If she dosn't then Im leaving.
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Re: paddy??

Postby cerina » 30 Aug 08, 1:33 pm

That's very kind of you, SPoD, but I couldn't. :oops: It just wouldn't seem right ... oh, okay, if you insist. :mrgreen: :lmao:
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fu**ing useless

Postby johno » 16 Oct 08, 4:16 pm

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but fucking useless in a fight.

:run: :assbeat:
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Re: fu**ing useless

Postby mid_nite_poet » 16 Oct 08, 6:44 pm

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Good one..
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Re: fu**ing useless

Postby ~PC~ » 16 Oct 08, 7:02 pm

Mrs. O'Conner obviously wasn't lactating otherwise one good squeeze and he could have blinded Mr. O'Conner. :D
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Confession of an Irishman

Postby Don't Blink » 21 Oct 08, 10:04 pm

Confession of an Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,

and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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