Long list of one-liners (some repetes)

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Long list of one-liners (some repetes)

Postby Jack Flash » 02 Aug 17, 11:15 am

I can’t count the number of times I failed math.

Women love a man brimming with confidence, because without that, what is there to destroy?

I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that will never happen."

After I clear my browser history I do a quick Google search for things like "Feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife."

If McDonald's is the 'Official Restaurant of the 2014 Olympics', isn't that a bit like Marlboro being the 'Official Cigarette of The American Lung Association'?

I heard your Momma had surgery to have her love handles removed. Now she has no ears.

What disease did cured ham actually have? (Swine flu?)

Finally, the descendants of the inventor of the clock have released his autobiography. It's about time.

April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, are DEN-MARK.

"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning", is the human version of, "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

The bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an impostor. He never once moved diagonally.

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.

Particle accelerators give me a Hadron.

Remember, if you aren't part of the solution, you are probably part of the precipitate.

According to the laws of chemistry, alcohol actually is a solution.

Life is like a dick. Sometimes it gets hard for no reason at all.

What is a social life and where can I download one?

My parents never allowed violent video games, just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who bludgeoned this guy with a pipe?"

Your Mama's so fat, when she sat on an iPhone it turned into an iPad.

A man is holding his newborn son for the first time when suddenly the kid starts tapping on his Dad's forehead and says "How do you like it asshole?"

My sex life is like a Ferrari - I don't have one.

Don't you hate it when you're typing something and you're thinking about something else, so then you subconsciously type what you were tits?

So, one sperm says to another, "Last one in gets the rotten egg!".

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 10 minutes to pass the salt.

I tried telling my girlfriend that wearing high heels makes your ass look a lot sexier and gives it definition. She thought I just looked gay.

"Sorry," says the bartender, "We don't serve your type in here." A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

You know it was some good pot when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, "Put your clothes on", and you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on the bus.

A wife said to her husband, "Do you know what our little boy called me today? A bitch!." He replied, "That son of a bitch!"

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Studies have shown that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Did you hear what happened when three homosexual men attacked a woman? Two held her down while the third did her hair.

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I had such a hangover this morning that I stood in the shower for an hour. Then I thought, fuck it, may as well turn the water on.

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp, used condom hanging off your dick. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

Yo Mama is like the first slice of bread. Everyone's had their hands on it, but nobody wants it.

You might be a redneck if your mother doesn't bother to take the cigarette out of her mouth before she tells the state trooper to kiss her ass.

Two verbs, three adjectives, three nouns and a conjunction appeared in court. They’re due to be sentenced next week.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

Two drums and a cymbal walk into a bar.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Valentine's Day is for lovers. For everyone else, there's Palm Sunday.

A lesbian couple can't afford the double-ended dildo they want. They're really struggling to make ends meet.

I scared the postman today by coming to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more - me being naked or the fact that I knew where he lived.

A friend of mine swallowed some Legos. The doctors aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ, until I realized what was telling me that.

Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.

Sex is the best exercise. My forearms are looking buff.

A Pepsi executive died of a drug overdose recently. Ironically, he tested positive for coke.

I bought a box of Animal Crackers and it said: "Do not eat if seal is broken". So, I opened the box, and sure enough.

I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.

My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

In his college years, Jesus could turn oregano into weed.

Remember: The only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and overall personality.

Lately, my sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me.

He always used a system with his roommate. He would hang a sock on the door to let him know he was using the other one.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

My neighbors listen to the best damn Rock 'n Roll music all night long. Whether they want to or not.

We could find more missing kids if their pictures were on T-shirts of big-breasted women instead of milk cartons.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but decided to just get a tan instead.

I once stayed in a very seedy hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windows, with cans tied to the rear bumper.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Breaking a condom means 18 years of bad luck.

The rodents in my home are so big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

Nowadays, Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Just been doing some Do-It-Yourself using my stepladder. Not my real ladder; I never knew my real ladder.

People ask me why I don't have any tattoos. I tell them it's for the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group "The Pedalphiles" was not well-received AT ALL.

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down they want some too.

He doesn't trust sperm banks, so naturally he keeps his semen hidden in his mattress.

You know what I like to do? Answer my own questions.

The seven dwarfs of menopause: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and Psycho.

Never suggest to a dominatrix that it's time to hit the sack.

I got fired from my job at the orange juice factory. I had trouble concentrating.

Son: "Dad I'm considering a career in Organized Crime." Dad: "Government or Private Sector?"

How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me.

All I remember is my fairy godmother asking me, "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?"

I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website. I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.

I checked into a motel and asked the clerk if the porn was disabled. He replied, "No, it shows normal people, you sick fuck."

I went to a car parts store and told the guy behind the counter I wanted a gas cap for my Yugo. He said, "That sounds like a fair trade".

A photon checks into a hotel. The concierge asks if there's any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light".

A friend of mine just told me he's banging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother has a mustache".

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the Party can always find you!

Boris: "Did you hear that Sergei died?" Vladimir: "I didn't even know he'd been arrested."

Saw someone try to park a car for 10 minutes. I didn’t see the driver, so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

Your Momma's so fat, she had to put an energy saving light bulb in her fridge.

You know your sperm count is high when she has to chew before she swallows.

Jeffrey Dahmer to Lorena Bobbit: "You gonna eat that?"

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don't know enough people with simmering tensions over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

There's a new coast-to-coast FM station, WPMS. It plays 3 weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.

You look like you were hastily re-assembled after passing through a wood chipper.

My girlfriend is anorexic, but our relationship isn't going so well. I'm seeing less and less of her.

I was engaged once to a girl with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

I just read that a radical section of the woodworker's union has broken away and formed a splinter group.

You've got two brain cells. One is in a wheelchair and the other is pushing.

I hate going to funerals. I'm just not a mourning person.

I don't remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was...awesome!

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

Two mice are chewing on an older roll of film when one of them says, "I think the book was better".

I watched my first porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!

One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.

One in every three people is ugly. Next time you go to the movies look at the people on your left and right. If they look OK...guess what?

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don't. At least that's what I like to tell myself.

Mean people tell me, "You've got a face only a mother could love", but the joke's on them because she didn’t.

If I'm found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Taco Bell - America's preferred over-the-counter laxative.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

"And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I've never seen a bigger gavel."

I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser Award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

Always make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

Do impotent men watch soft porn?

I recently attempted the world record for masturbation. I nearly pulled it off.

There's a gang going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. Police believe they're still at large.

My band was due to play a benefit concert for pregnant teens, but we pulled out at the last second.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

First it's one little white lie. Then they get easier and easier to tell. The next thing you know, you're a lawyer.

"I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissures", apparently is not something to say in a swimming pool.

Browser history repeats itself.

It's not who you know, it's what you know (about who you know).

Never judge a man until you've driven a mile with his wife.

I spray painted "CHEATER!" on my car to make it look like I'm sexually active.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back, but all I wanted was that one night stand.

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

If we had gender equality we'd all give birth through our ass. No more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip, but don't be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they're happy.

The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word "voluptuous".

How can one black man as president run the country when 18 of them can't run a McDonalds?

Exactly how many hobbies do you have to suck at before taking up bird watching?

Trust me, it's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.

It's OK to pee in the shower, provided you're taking one.

My girlfriend is so tight, when she farts only the dog hears it.

Jeffrey Dahmer liked his men the same way he liked his coffee - ground up and in the freezer.

I recently ate at a new restaurant named The Moon. The food was good but there was no atmosphere.

Think before blindly following the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night - or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Bought the Missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the Fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the ferris wheel.

My microwave broke and now I have to cook on the stove like goddamn Betty Rubble.

I bought my one-legged girlfriend a new wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking stuffer.

Men treat women like objects. Weird men treat objects like women.

(Camera cuts to me in crowd at NFL game holding a giant sign that says "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE HOT DOGS ARE 8 DOLLARS")

"The most comfortable place to put your elbows at dinner is on the table, so I'm gonna go ahead and make that bad manners.” - Some Asshole

Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.

In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I'm waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

Yo Momma's so ugly, she make a freight train take a dirt road.

An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen. The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

I just bought a new pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I'm in so much debt, I could start a government.

When you first meet her, she says she's "Bi". Then later you realize she meant "polar".

I wrote "Place Sacrifice Here" on the baby changing station in the Wal-Mart men’s room.

I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Porn star auditions are usually long and hard.

Yo Mama's so skinny, she once swallowed a pea and seven guys left town.

Life is like a penis - simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend because she was seeing someone else on the side.

I told my father he should embrace his mistakes. So he gave me a hug.

Poop jokes may not be my favorite type of joke, but they’re a solid number two.

I just read that according to statistics, one third of people cheat in their relationships. Which got me thinking: Is it my wife or my girlfriend who is cheating?

When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

If you think your TV spying on you is bad - your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Is the gender neutral term for Sugar Daddy Glucose Guardian?

So I said to the librarian, "Don't tell me you have any books on reverse psychology?"

What do we want? More acronyms. When do we want them? A.S.A.P.

Eating four cans of alphabet soup will usually give you a giant vowel movement.

I can't check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You're saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

I once dated a homeless woman and it got so serious she asked me to move out with her.

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning, so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

Girls are like pianos - when they're not upright, they're grand.

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.

One of my sexual fantasies is a foursome with Maryanne and Ginger - with Lovey making the sandwiches.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

I really admire people who keep going even though they're in huge amounts of debt. They deserve a lot of credit.

I suddenly realized I've never had an epiphany.

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs.

The next time a stranger says you look familiar, tell them you do porn.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Weight loss goal: To clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

I have the same body I’ve always had - adjusted for inflation.

I’m not shy, I’m just really good at figuring out who is not worth talking to.

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Scientists have determined that squirrels, having been fed the equivalent of 12 joints, have a tendency to play with their nuts rather than storing them.

The nerve of my neighbor coming yelling and banging at my door at 3AM this morning. Fortunately I was up practicing the bagpipes.

The talent portion of beauty pageants should include parallel parking a car.

I was watching an orchestra performance in Bermuda when the guy playing the triangle suddenly disappeared.

It wasn't school that I hated, just the principal of the thing.
Life is just a "Bit of Fun" . . . Google it
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