A Load of one-liner witt

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A Load of one-liner witt

Postby Don't Blink » 03 Jan 18, 11:57 pm

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and an orange apron.

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.

The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, inadvertently alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please?"

"Let's walk barefoot on grass!" - People who have never walked a dog

If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

"Cu Later!" - a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.

Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat.

"Chill before serving" is the best advice I can think of if you're an angry waitress.

My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.

It's cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.

I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

If you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the Benny Hill theme.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me.

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.

Guy asked me today if I've ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can't even say shit back.

People ask me the secret of a good post. It's called "proof-reading". Perhaps you've hard of it.

Maybe I'm not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule.

Just ONCE, I'd like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior.

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

You can tell a lot about a person by their autopsy.

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

Don't be sad, laundry. Nobody's doing me either.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there's always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row.
I'm starting to think she really doesn't like lunch.

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.
Like father, like son.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.

"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama, it's more of an accusation,

My therapist thinks meeting women online for sex is a bad idea.
His wife disagrees.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Before encouraging everyone to "do whatever makes you happy," ask if anyone is a sadist.

I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

I'm drinking with my new girlfriend and her gay friend from work. So there's 100% chance I'am getting laid and a 50% chance I'll like it.

Auto-correct changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down.
Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

WTF, neighbor? I waved to you last week.

Dance like you're not the father.

Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.

Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromising luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.

My bank account has 7 figures, but 5 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.

The guy in charge of naming the bagpipes definitely just took one look at it and gave up.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages.

“Yo momma is so ugly, I had to invent a device that allows me to converse without looking at her.”
– Alexander G. Bell

It's called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating.

If I was a detective, my main suspect would always be the person who returns to the scene of the crime AND is eating a Klondike bar.

Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for.

"Eat shit and die!"
- Fly teaching his son about life

I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.

Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light.
Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

The only way an ice cream sandwich could get any better is if it was shaped like a titty.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My mother-in-law.

Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

I like my women like I like my Pistachio nuts. Easy to get inside or else I'll just move onto the next.

Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!

Another day done. Time to kick back and second-guess every social interaction I had at work.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

So far it’s been an, “I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target” kind of day.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I wanna get rid of this memory foam mattress, but it knows too much.

Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD’s everywhere.

Sorry, science, but religion promised me a place where I'll get to hang out with Grandma again.

A wise man once said...
absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then was able to have sex afterward.

In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing Mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one".
"because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."

God said: ''Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

"This is BULLSHIT"
- enthusiastic manure salesman

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don't want to be there.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

I like to date younger women because women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now.

A new BBC documentary accuses Hitler of millions of dollars worth of tax evasion. Man, the more I learn about this guy, the less I like him!

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal right after a politician backpedaling about an opinion he didn't want the public to know about.

Interesting story. I will now find a way to relate your story to something in my life so I can start talking about me again.

I wish people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.

My wife says I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me.
That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

If jail isn't supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?

If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.

I tried cooking with wine once,
but after four glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

I don't have a bucket list,
but I got a fuck-it list a mile and a half long.

I was in Ferguson, got jumped by 5 black guys.
Car started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,
but you'll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.

I was making a sandwich when I thought to myself
"So, there IS a downside to divorce."
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Don't Blink
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Re: A Load of one-liner witt

Postby mugley » 04 Jan 18, 1:28 am

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
rude, crude, and lewd

"I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn. "
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