more humorous one-liners

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more humorous one-liners

Postby Don't Blink » 18 Feb 18, 11:29 pm

Thanks to home security commercials, I am now terrified of middle aged white men.

If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

What if I'm actually attractive and hot girls just think I'm out of their league?

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Alcohol is best served.

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. - WTF? I was looking right at her.

My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner, but I'd have to say "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd.

I wouldn't take a bullet for you but I'd definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing.

I've been divorced so long I've almost forgotten how to clear a computer history.

Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

It's possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

"I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Silence is golden! - Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

My ex's ex and my left hand are dating.

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving.

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, bitches be trippin

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.

I want to have kids before my parents are too old to be able to take care of them.

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google.

Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.

My daughter's favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he'll have a wife.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn't involve me.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I'm taking the soul train to Funky Town with my boogie shoes on, and the dish ran away with the goddamn spoon.
This is really good weed.
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Don't Blink
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