Revelations and Smartass Comments


Postby mugley » 03 Feb 17, 4:48 pm

Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife). He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym. The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says “Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me.” I nearly died laughing that day. –Nitrostoat
My HS principal once insulted my mother’s english (she’s not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said “I’m sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?” –Shadowex3

Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:
VP: “Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable.”
Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.
Teacher: “Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This’ll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up.”
We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
Teacher: “Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says,” as he points his finger at VP, “do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!”
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
Teacher: “Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom”
We didn’t budge
To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell. –Rosephine

Every time I walk into a store with my dad.
Worker: “Can I help you?”
Dad: “No, he was born like that.” –rssmitty13
At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says “Nice fucking lunchbox.”
How does he reply?
Nice fucking legs.
Everyone was speechless. –mealzer

Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali – when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said “Superman don’t need no seatbelt!”
“Superman don’t need no plane” she replied. –tom_is_pullin
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says “aw man you should take those off you look way better without them” and she goes “yeah you look way better without them too.” -Stephenfvb
My crazy neighbor’s crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument:
Twin 1: “Fuck you you ugly bitch!” Twin 2: “We’re twins you fucking moron!”
They heard me laughing. –TheMisiak

This really shy kid that doesn’t really speak much was getting picked on by this mean girl when the teacher tells her “be nice to him, he might be your boss someday,” without missing a beat he replies “no thanks, I don’t want to be a pimp when I grow up.” –Soitgoes5
My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. “Now daughter, this is you with your virginity…” She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. “And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?”
I look back and forth between the cakes “But, mom…they taste the same…” My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though. –hauskittay
Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train.
Me: “May I please borrow you pen, ma’am?”
Woman: “Excuse me — don’t call me ma’am. Don’t you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?”
Me: “My apologies…sir.” –BuffaLee

It was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can’t drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with “I’m really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don’t need to look both ways.” Everyone was dying, laughing so hard. –NubHubz
My dad is a pediatrician. Someone said to my brother: “Your dad touched my balls.”
My brother’s response was: “Yeah, and you paid him for it.” –rescuerobot
Boss to line worker: “I need you to do such and such.”
Line Worker: “You didn’t say the “P” word”.
Boss says, “Paycheck”. –Onlinealias
rude, crude, and lewd

"I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn. "
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Re: BURN!!!!!!!!!

Postby Jack Flash » 20 Feb 17, 1:11 pm

:lmao: :lmao:
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