Police Report

Revelations and Smartass Comments

Police Report

Postby Don't Blink » 22 Oct 17, 10:45 pm

Police Report

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Tarboro police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in the churchyard, Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the dumpster. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the propane bottle that is lying on its side between the two dumpsters. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to give them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

(name withheld)
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Don't Blink
 
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