My dad always used to have this saying, “engage your brain first, then talk,” and really, it’s sound advice. Because if you don’t and you just open your trap without thinking about it, you’re gonna say some stupid shit.
Even better is when what you say sounds dirty, even if you didn’t mean it. Then you’ll regret it, take a right hook to the jaw and a knee to the knackers. It’s not pretty, and these guys and gals on Reddit are living proof of what happens when you think something sounds good (or don’t think at all), then just hit engage on your yapper.
It’s like a cornucopia of fail, bad decisions and regrets.
I love it.
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“It was raining. A classmate had forgotten her umbrella and was talking about how soaked she was.
My genius quip: “Oh don’t act like this is the first time you’ve ever been wet around me.”
It may have only been a few seconds, but the silence and staring at me that followed is burned in my mind forever.” – Hardtopickaname
“I’ve performed a lot of carpal tunnel surgeries, so when talking to my pre-op nurses, I informed them that most of the jobs that I have had were “hand jobs.” It made so much sense in my head.” – TheOriginalChode
“My brother and I used to spout off at each other all the time, and after I got off a particularly good one he responded with “One more smart ass comment and i’ll slap you in your ****sucker.” With excellent comedic timing I replied, “You better not hit Tracy.”
Tracy was my wife who was seated next to me along with my parents…my brother stifled giggles while the rest of the room just glared at me. To this day, I still find it funny.” – SASmith
“I was at a dentist appointment and the doctor and hygienist were both trying to look at my teeth and I said, “I can only handle one person in my mouth at a time.” ” – tomatostew
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“First week working at a jewelry store. I’d been told by the manager to listen to how other associates interacted with the customers and then come up with my own ice breakers to try and get the customers interacting with the jewelry (a customer is more likely to buy if they hold the jewelry or try it on).
One night two older ladies come up to the front counter…..
Me: “Hi, how are you tonight?”
“We’re good, just looking.”
“Ok, let me know if there’s anything I can pull out for you to fondle.”” – TheSuperSucker
“My friend is holding his infant daughter.
In my head: “She’s so lucky to be born in our modern world, medicine is advancing so fast she may well see the cure to old age, practical immortality.”
Out of my mouth: “I wonder how long she’ll live?”
Nobody’s ever given me a dirtier look.” – OtherLutris
” “I’ve got the herps.”
I said this to entire group of high school students from my church.
What I MEANT was, “I have a combination of the hiccups and burps.” Which I had previously, to my own amusement called “hurps.” ” – Cranthony
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“Met a woman who had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen, like swirling green galaxies of a million shining stars.
In my head: “Wow. Those are gorgeous. Like works of art. They’re so beautiful they should keep them on display for all mankind to see forever.”
Out of my mouth: You have pretty eyes. I bet they’d look good on a pedestal.
Happy ending: We’ve been married for six years now.” – TheForceiswithus
“My dad, mom and I were at a funeral for an older lady we’d known for years (I was probably about thirteen). Her son, who my parents had never met, was in the receiving line.
When we got to him, my mom is talking about his mother and how much everyone loved her, etc. When we’re getting ready to walk away, my mother smiles at this guy, a little misty eyed, and says, “We just loved her to death.”
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective) for her, this guy was a genius because, without skipping a beat, he deadpans it and says, “So, you’re the reason for all this.”
I swear my dad and I laughed the entire way home.” – tardis_tits
“My sister had just been dumped by her fiance. She was devastated. We were at Denny’s, where they use to eat a lot, and we were thinking about what to order. She said “You know what Bryan uses to love?” meaning something he always ate there. Without skipping a beat I said, “You?”
She cried.” – CaptMurphy
“My girlfriend and I had a chance to move out of the country for my work and the company would pay extra if we were married. I suggested that we quick hit the courthouse and do a legal wedding. Followed it up with, “It’s not like we would really be married.” Big mistake…” – mouippai
Freud doesnt have anything against these slips of the tongue (9 Photos)
“I was in a Computer Science class and we were converting binary to decimal and vice-versa. I asked the teacher “Can you do 69?” referring to converting 69 from decimal to binary.
He and the rest of the class howled after he responded with, “Yes I can.” ” – Protater
“I was at the movies years ago with my then boyfriend, now husband. When we were buying the tickets, she asked if I was a student (students get discounts).
In my head, “I go to the School of Hard Knocks” sounded amazing. It sounded like a rebellious guitar riff. It sounded like unicorns. It sounded like eagles screaming. Like I would pull down my shades and saunter away.
OUT LOUD? Nah. Groans. Face palms. Deep burning shame.
Ughhh…” – 21skulls
“I was in art class and my teacher only had half of her right arm (until her elbow).
She was carrying some equipment and without thinking I said, “Do you need a hand?”
The whole class gave me a horrible look and I realized what I had just said. The funniest part was her response.
She looked at her hand and said, “Well, I need half.” ” – nickybu
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“When I was a child, my friend’s mom passed away. He loved Batman so I said, you’re only one parent away from being like Batman.” – blinkooo
” When I was around 10, I asked a girl if she was recovering from the chickenpox. She wasn’t. It was just acne.” – fruityloopies
“In high school, I tried to give unique compliments to people. It got awkward.
“You look good in clothes,” I told one female classmate.
In my head: WTF DID YOU DO??” – DoubleLiveGonzo
“Girl told me she planned on becoming a personal trainer. I say, “Don’t you have to be fit to be a personal trainer?” ” – IAmTheBaneFish
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“Touching girl’s face with my hand: “I’d think you were pretty if I was blind.” ” – LaCuevaMan
“My girlfriend was working from home, and not getting a lot of work done. I was trying to get her to have sex, and the way that I pleaded was, “Come on, aren’t you excited to get paid to have sex?” ” – travvo
” “You look even better with your clothes on.”
Not at all what I meant. I meant that she looked beautiful no matter her level of undress. Nerves and speaking before my brain worked out the words made for an awkward moment.
As if being nude in front of somebody for the first time isn’t nerve wracking enough, I had to blurt that out.” – DoubleLiveGonzo
“Once my wife asked, “Do you want a Twinkie?”
My response was, “Hell no. I just ate.”
She cried and went back upstairs. It turns out what she actually said was, “Do you want a quickie.” – ryanakata
“My group and I had a party to celebrate our friend returning from rehab for anorexia. I took some bagel bites out after she arrived and said, “I hope everyones hungry!” ” – sackopotatoes
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“On our second date: “I’m proud of my ability to talk people into things. One day, I’ll talk you into something and you will be so ashamed.”
I scared her away.” – Poop_sauce
“Told my wife, “I didn’t marry you for your looks” when attempting to compliment her intelligence.” – phatlad
“I packed my carry on bag really full for a flight to California and when my bag was pulled for additional search I said to the TSA officer,”Careful when you open that, it might explode.” ” – loreola
“I was having sex with a girlfriend when she said, “Talk dirty to me.” I was inexperienced, so I was also kind of nervous, and I said the first thing that came to mind in a most sultry voice: “You stupid idiot.”
She laughed because she was a good sport, and she knew I wasn’t trying to insult her.” – ImUndaYourBed