Some One-Liners

[thetap]

This is a collection I've had for a while. Some are people's tag-lines, others famous quotes, and others I have no idea.


My monitor can say 'shell' if I turn it upside-down.

A man without a wife is like a fish without a bicycle.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

The proctologist called - they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have any film.

Save your breath - you'll need it to blow up your date.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Heart Attacks: God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Adults are just kids with money.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.

I was an atheist until I realized I was God.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Join the army! Travel the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Some people are like Slinkies - generally useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I'm not racist; I love all the races equally... especially the white ones.

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"No one can earn a million dollars honestly." - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it." - Steven Wright

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." - Voltaire (1694-1778)

"Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?" - Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing

"#3 pencils and quadrille pads." - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.

"I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray." - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.

Sir Arnold Bax (1883-1953) (British Composer) "One should try everything once, except incest and folk dancing." - Farewell to My Youth

[mugley]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries..

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

[Jack Flash]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

Have always wondered why they have junk food vending machines at the gym.
Yes I know they do it to make money, it just seems unethical.

[Country Boy]

Have you seen the new machine at fitness clubs that helps older men pick up younger women?




Not sure of its exact function, but I believe the initials for it are ATM

[cerina]