A few random thoughts
Love means never having to ask, "Does that fifty include a spanking
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking
When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he always brought me what I wanted.
Now that I'm an adult, I have my children write similar letters to Santa, but the lazy bastard never brings them anything.
If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg.
Q: What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps growling when I come near him.
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."
Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems