Humorous Quotes from Mark Twain

• If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.
  
  
• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
  
  
• Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
  
  
• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
  
  
• America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.
  
  
• Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.
  
  
• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”
  
  

• Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
  
  
• If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
  
  
• History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
  
  
• "I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
  
  
• They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!
  
  
• I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.
  
  
• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
  
  
• The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
  
  
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
  
  
• It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
  
  
• The loud little handful will shout for war. The pulpit will warily and cautiously protest at first…The great mass of the nation will rub its sleepy eyes, and will try to make out why there should be a war, and they will say earnestly and indignantly: "It is unjust and dishonorable and there is no need for war."
  
  Then the few will shout even louder…Before long you will see a curious thing: anti-war speakers will be stoned from the platform, and free speech will be strangled by hordes of furious men who still agree with the speakers but dare not admit it ...
  
  Next, statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception.
  
  
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  
  
• It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
  
  
• Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
  
  
• All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
  
  
• Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over.
  
  
• Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
  
  
• Keep away from who try to belittle your ambitions.
  
  
• Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
  
  
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
  
  
• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  
  
• Every generalization is false, including this one.
  
  
• In religion and politics, 's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.
  
  
• Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
  
  
• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
  
  
• America is built on a tilt and everything loose slides to California.
  
  
• You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
  
  
• Truth is more often stranger than fiction.
  
  
• A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
  
  
• In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce man; brave, hated, and scorned. When his cause succeeds, however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.
  
  
• I have found solace in profanity unexcelled even by prayer.
  
  
• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
  
  
• Tomorrow is the yesterday of two days from now.
  
  
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
  
  
• I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.
  
  
• I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
  
  
• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
  
  
• The citizen who sees his society's democratic clothes being worn out and does not cry out is not a patriot but a traitor.
  
  
• I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
  
  
• Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
  
  
• I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.
  
  
• There is something worse than ignorance, and that's knowing what ain't so.
  
  
• Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
  
  

These are two quotes which are often attributed to Mark Twain but belong to different authors

• Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig.
  - Robert Heinlein
  
  
• Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
  - Robert Benchley