(1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
(2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
(3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
(4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
(5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
(6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
(7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
(8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
(10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
(11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the young man said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?" The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her
parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they
agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
It was the first day of school... The kindergartners were now first graders.
The teacher made an announcement to the class. "Now that you are in the first grade, we will need to work on using grown-up words and not using baby words anymore. "
"Let's tell everyone what we did over the summer.."
Well, the first little girl got up and said that she went to see her "nana" over the vacation.
The teacher said "that's good! But, we need to start saying grandma like a grown-up, not nana that's a baby word."
The next little boy got up and said with a big smile that he went for a long ride on a "choo-choo".
The teacher said "I bet that was exciting! But, we need to start saying train like a grown-up, not choo-choo, that's a baby word."
Well, the last little boy got up to tell what he had done. He said that he read a book. The teacher said "that's wonderful! Which book did you read?"
The little boy stood up nice and tall, puffed out his chest and in his most adult voice he could muster, he said "Winnie the Shit"
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manual, age 8
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10
"Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food." Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." Christine, age 9
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you .. That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." Sarah, age 9
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love." Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains.
One night he watched his older sister and her boyfriend, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake.
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend must have been a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
Two young boys started a conversation in the waiting room of a doctors' office. The first one asked the other, "What are you here for?" The second replied, "I'm here to get circumcised." "Oh! Boy!" said the first, "I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year and one-half."
