Grand, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replies Grand.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Grand replies, "Wrong room!"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"
She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, and then replied, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head - I’m bloated and I feel like shit so
no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls - if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and
be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very muchand at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they
quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled upclose to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprisedbut appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen,
being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand,
but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to
whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit
so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these
marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky
boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
A man is giving his teenage son "the talk". After describing the more technical details of conception, he goes into describing the beauty of the female form. "And the best part," he says, "is like a beautiful flower. Before having sex, it has an intoxicating scent, soft beautiful folds, and overflowing with sweet nectar." He finishes with a wink.
"Ok," says the son, "but you said thats before having sex. What's it like after?"
The dad replies, " Ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that
she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,
and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains.
One night he watched his older sister and her boyfriend, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake.
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend must have been a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed a small shoe shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper
with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, " have some special sandals I tink you be interested in...
Dey make you wild at de sex."
The wife got really interested, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god
he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican started to scream out frantically "You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet! "
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.'
There is a date rape drug going around. While this drug does have beneficial uses in small quantities, female sexual predators are using it at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
Shockingly this drug is available at most grocery and convenience stores! Women often persuade men to consume multiple doses, and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Often while under the influence of this drug men will succumb to desires to perform sex acts on women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given this drug with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before. Some times they wake up with a headache and a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
This date rape drug is known by many names such as Bud, Hinny, Draft, and Black Label.
So you fellows out there be careful when some woman offers to buy you a cold one.
If however, you should fall prey to this scheme you can find a support group as close as your local pub and have a beer on me.
The wife had been unable to get her husband to bed early enough. After supper he would retire to his favorite chair, light up his pipe and read the newspaper until time to turn in.
She bought a lacy see through "Baby Doll" nightie and slipping into it one evening came downstairs and walked around the room. Her husband lowered the paper and watched, then returned to reading.
Furious, she took everything off and came downstairs and walked around. Her husband lowered the paper, took the pipe out and pointing the stem at her said, "My dear, did you know you are getting gray hair?"
Looking down , then up said, "Gray hair Hell, its cobwebs, that's what it is!"
Mirror Mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want anyone to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a
hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's
grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the
policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "
Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Husband comes home from work. Wife says the TV has lost its color. How about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no TV technician, and gets a beer.
Next day the wife says my car is skipping, how about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no Mr. Good wrench, and got himself a beer.
Things got a little frosty and the husband decided to check out the faulty TV and car. He could find nothing wrong. When asked, the wife said she had found a man who fixed both of them.
"How much did it cost?" the husband said, "Oh I told him that I had no money but he said we could work it out. I could bake him a cake or we could have sex or something."
"What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband said.
"Hey,", the wife said, I'm no Betty Crocker!"
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big bully bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
During a routine search, a stowaway girl was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me."
"In more ways than one, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Lady goes to see a Marriage Therapist about not having any active sex life in her marriage. Therapist says. "We have come up with this new drug in a cap. Here are 30 of them. Put one a night in your husbands drink and it should do wonders for your sex life." Tells her to come back in 30 days with the results.
Thirty days she is back. "So tell me" says the Therapist. "What happened?" "Well" says the lady. "I did as you said and put one in his drink as you had said." "Nothing happened. So for the next seven nights I put one in his drink every night and still nothing happened. "So I opened the remaining 22 caps and put them in his drink." "You didn't" said the Therapist. "Yes I did" said the Lady. "What in heavens name happened?" exclaimed the Therapist.
"Well, about 10 minutes after the drink, he jumped up and yelled "WOW, I feel good." He takes the table cloth and whips it off the table ...food, plates, wine all on the floor." He grabbed me and put me on the table and made passionate love to me." It was the best sex we have ever had."
"Why that is wonderful" exclaimed the Therapist. "I am so happy for you." "But I am sorry about the mess and broken dishes of food on the floor." "Oh that's OK" said the lady. "I don't think we will ever go to that restaurant again."
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA (mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of "Mydixaflop". Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", said God.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first". Smiling, God explained, 'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
A young Father has finally had enough of his son's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.
"Son", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"
The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.
"Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"
The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.
The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns
on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a
cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry sir", replies the
customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two
liters!"
