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Funny Jokes Involving Women

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Funny Joke from mid_nite_poet

Step Back, I Know First-Aid

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

Funny Joke from Crazytrain

Extra Effort Award

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

contributed by breeze

The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts

Women with big breasts…

  • ..can get a taxi on the worst days
  • ..have a neat place to carry spare change
  • ..have always been the centre of the arts
  • ..make jogging a spectator sport
  • ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
  • ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
  • ..always float better
  • ..know where to look first for lost earrings
  • ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
  • ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…

  • ..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
  • ..always look younger
  • ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
  • ..can always see their toes and shoes
  • ..can sleep on their stomachs
  • ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
  • ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
  • ..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
  • ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

contributed by ScornedVixen

Supermarket Checkout

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

contributed by mid_nite_poet

A woman's revenge .. the drink ..

A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that
she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,
and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"


A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!"

The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!

By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly refunded!

contributed by mid_nite_poet

Underwear is Important

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, screw, Etc."

Funny Joke from Shrek

Vaseline Survey

A man doing market research for Vaseline contacted a young mother of three and asked  ' Have you ever used our product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little surprised; 'Usually people lie say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.'


Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

I have a frog in the back

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

Girl comes in for a Checkup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Let's Swap Positions

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

Understanding a Woman

We need
I want

You want
You need

It's your decision
The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk
I need to complain

Do what you want
You'll pay for this later.

You're ... so manly
You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure... go ahead
I don't want you to.

I'm not upset
Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight.
Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.
I'm Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient
I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate.
Just agree with me.




I heard a noise
I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?
I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute.
Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat?
Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry.
You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby?
Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling!
Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish
Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?

Ah Sorority Girls

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

One, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.

What three words will a sorority girl never hear?

"Attention K-mart shoppers."

What is a sorority girls favorite position?

Facing Bloomingdale's.

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?

Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.

Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?

So she can fantasize about shopping.

What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?

Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?

Lake Placid.

How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?

She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.

What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?

"Have another beer."

What is a sorority girls mating call?

"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?

She drops her nail file

How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?

Marry her.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?

You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?

Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.


Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three.

That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.

A Day at the Zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

All of a sudden the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell Him you have a headache."

Riding Bikes

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon.

As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

  • You can enjoy a beer all month long.
  • Beer stains wash out.
  • You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
  • Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
  • If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
  • Beer is never late.
  • A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
  • A hangover will go away.
  • Beer labels come off without a fight.
  • When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
  • A beer never has a headache.
  • A beer will never nag you.
  • A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
  • If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
  • A beer always goes down easy.
  • You can share a beer with friends.
  • You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
  • A beer is always wet.
  • A beer doesn't demand equality.
  • You can have a beer in public.
  • A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
  • A frigid beer is a good beer.
  • You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
  • If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

The Rules

  • The female always makes the rules.
  • The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  • No male can possibly know all the rules.
  • If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
  • The female is never wrong.
  • If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
  • If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  • The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
  • The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
  • The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  • The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
  • The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  • Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
  • If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void


She's sitting at the table enjoying her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase.

 As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."


I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends?

A Bush Hog

contributed by mugley

In Church

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

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