Funny Religious Jokes

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Many members did not approve, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She met her match, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pick-up parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone knew what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pick-up in front of Mildred's house....... walked home............................ and left it there all night.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

“Hebrews.”

There were 3 ministers a Hindu priest, a Rabbi and a televangelist that were on a trip together and were traveling all night and began to get very tired on the trip.

They decided to stop at the next town and catch up on their sleep. When the arrived all the rooms were taken, however they were told there was a farmhouse down the road and the farmer should be able to accommodate them.

When they arrived the farmer told them he had only 2 rooms and that one would have to sleep in the barn. So the Hindu priest ok.......I'll sleep in the barn. Well about ten minutes later there was a knock on the door it was the Hindu priest he said he could not sleep in the barn as there was a cow in the barn and the cow is a scared animal and that was against his religion.

The Rabbi ok..........I'll sleep in the barn and left. About ten minutes later another knock at the door it was the Rabbi and he said he could not sleep in the barn as there were pigs there and that is not kosher according to his religion.

The Televangelist said OK.......I'll go and sleep in the barn and he left...........about ten minutes later there was a knock on the door.



The farmer open the door and..............................the Cow and Pig were at the door!!!!!!!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As
he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where
the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla
blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd
like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to
Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know
the way to the Post Office."

A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning. He said to the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."

"Even PMS?" a woman asked.

"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it and tell you the passage at Mass next week."

So everyone goes home and the priest is looking for the passage and Sunday comes around. He gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in mass.

"People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS."

"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.

It's right here in this passage where it says "And Mary rode Josephs' ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las Vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "say no more." And a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more." and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!"

A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, gray haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight and true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?' The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."   St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.   God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying
to sell a lawn mower.   ‘How much do you want for the mower?’ asked the preacher.
‘I just want enough money to go out and buy a bicycle,’ said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, 'Will you take my bike in trade?’
The little boy asked if he could try it out first.   After riding it around a little
while, said, ‘Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.’

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no
response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said,' I can’t get this mower to start.’

The boy said, ‘That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said,
I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a Christian that I don’t even remember how to cuss.’

The little boy looked at him happily and said,' You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.'

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him some questions: "God, how long is a million years to you?" And God said, "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A million dollars is like a penny." The man thought for a moment and asked, "God, will you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me." He knew just what it was "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quickly," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls. "The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. "When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me..."The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last - "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

...They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move.

The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car.

She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What
Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

So, naturally . . . . . . . . I assumed you had stolen the car"

Mrs. Smith attended a women's meeting at her church and was amazed at the performance of a visiting hypnotist. When she went home that evening she told her husband how entertaining it had been.

Mr. Smith, thinking of how attendance had been way down at church lately, suggested that they ask the man to perform at their next service to help bring the people in. They asked and he accepted.

The following Sunday the church was packed. Everyone was most excited to see him perform. The hypnotist began by taking a watch from his pocket." Everyone please watch the watch." He began swinging the watch slowly back and forth. "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch," he told the congregation.

Suddenly the watch slipped from his hand and fell to the floor. "Shit!" he exclaimed.

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.

St Peter asks the next nun the same question, Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis? The nun is a little reluctant but replies, Well I once fondled and stroked one. St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.One nun is pushing her way to the front. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush? The nun replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!

Jesus was in His office one day, and His angel secretary came in and said "You know, you should get out into the world more so that people see more of you". Jesus thought about that, and decided it would be a good idea. So, He closed His office and went down to earth.

As he was walking around and visiting the people, He came into a village and saw a carpenters shop, so he went in. There was an old man behind the counter and Jesus stuck up a conversation with him. Jesus remarked that it was strange to see a carpenters shop in that small village.

The old man explained. He said "I had a son, but he left one day and never returned. I figured that if I opened this carpenters shop - one day he would return.

Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?"

The old man squinted at Jesus and asked "Pinocchio?"

Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up.

The youngest said, "Life begins at conception."

Another said, "No, life begins at birth!"

The old wise minister stated, "No life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog dies!"

A catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Don't let worry kill you let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Jones, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julian Jones.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in my Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Pat and Mike died. Pat, being the good guy all his life went to Heaven and started playing the harp on cloud 9. Day after day he played the harp. Finally he said to St. Peter, "I know Mike went to hell because he was such a bad guy all his life. Can I go visit him for just a short visit?"

St. Peter said "This is very unusual but I'll let you go just for a very short visit" Upon arrival in hell Pat found Mike sitting in a bar with a bottle of beer in his hand and a blond on his knee.

"Wow, said Pat, you were so bad all your life and you end up like this and all I get to do is play a harp. This doesn't seem fair."

"Hell" said mike, "Is not as good as it seems. You see this beer bottle has a hole in it's bottom. And the blond doesn't!"

Clergy, a Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and a Protestant minister, were all out fishing one day. After about an hour, the Rabbi got up in the boat and said "Guys I have to get something to drink .. I'll be right back."

At which point he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to shore, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, back across the water and got back into the boat. The Protestant minister was flabbergasted, but decided to say nothing.

Pretty soon the Catholic priest stood up and said "Guys I'm a little hungry ... I'm going to get a snack." At which point he stepped out of the boat, walked across the water, up the bank, and into the cabin. A few minutes later he came out of the cabin, walked down the bank, and sure enough, walked back across the water and got back into the boat.

By this time the Baptist Minister was so shocked that he decided that he should do the same thing. He stood up and said "Guys I need to use the bathroom ... I'll be right back". At which point he stood up, stepped over the railing of the boat and into the water and sank like a rock.

The Rabbi then looked at the priest and said "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

Three preachers went to heaven. St. Peter interviewed them. Seemed that transportation was a status symbol in heaven and you were issued a vehicle according to how good you were down on earth.

Preacher number one had slept with more than a dozen of his congregation so he was issued a bicycle.

Number two had only slipped twice so he was issued a Ford.

The third one had never slipped so he got a Rolls Royce.

Sometime later the first two preachers were talking when they spotted the Rolls Royce across the street. So they strolled over for a chat. They found the preacher crying. "What's wrong?" they asked.

The preacher said he had just seen his wife go by. "But that should make you happy." they said. "But she was on a skate board!"

The minister came to see me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the Hereafter.

I told him, "Oh I do, all the time! No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement,

I ask myself: now what am I here after?"

An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 80 years old and for the sixty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --WOW!"

"How long has it been since your last confession ?" asks the priest. " I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish"

" Then why are you telling me this?" "I'm TELLING everyone."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the operations and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you

A Protestant minister moved into a Roman Catholic community. Every Friday he could be seen cooking steaks etc .

Finally the people approached him and asked him to change to the Catholic Faith. He agreed to do this and after a while the Bishop anointed him with Holy water, sprinkling him three times and saying" In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy Ghost you are now a Catholic."

The next Friday the man was outside Barbequing a roast of beef . the people protested to him, so he got some water, blessed it, and sprinkled it on the meat saying" In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost you are now fish"

I want to thank you Lord for being so close to me so far this day. With your help, I haven't been impatient, lost my temper, been grumpy, judgmental or envious of anyone. I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I think I will really need your help then

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."

When the water got to the farmer's bottom windows, a neighbor rowed over to rescue him. The farmer declined, "Im a man of faith. God will save me."

When the waters rose to the second story windows another neighbor appeared in a motor boat. Again the farmer refused to be rescued. "I'm a man of faith.

God will save me. "Finally the man sat on top of the roof, a helicopter flew over and lowered a ladder. Once again the farmer declined. "I'm a man of faith I'm certain that God will save me.

"The next thing he knew the farmer found himself at the pearly gates. "What happened"? he moaned to St Peter. Why didn't God save me?" St. Peter shook his head sadly saying, " Listen here, we sent a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter."

."I can prove that Jesus was an Irishman because l. He was 30 years old before he left home. 2. He had no visible source of income. 3. He had 12 drinking buddies and 4..His mother thought he was God"

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I don't know," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, " If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, " I don't know what you're laughing about, You're wife fell three times this week."

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left.......Now, look gain......It now says:

"Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman."

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven, where St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates. He and said "Ladies, you all lead such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun responded, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second replied, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who? " he asks. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,900 men in 6 months."