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Funny One-liners




Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.

Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men

What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots

Definition of a Dance: A navel engagement without the loss of semen.

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Confucius Say:

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Man who lives in glass house should change in basement

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs



Tags:

  • bar logic
  • funny
  • hold my beer
  • humor


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