Witty One-liner Humor part II

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way ...you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself."

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.