I'm just sitting here on the toilet
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The Morning After
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
One night a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
Finally, as he started his engine and began to pull away the police officer stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
Drinking at Work
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
- 1. It's an incentive to show up.
- 2. It reduces stress.
- 3. It leads to more honest communications.
- 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
- 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
- 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
- 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
- 8. It encourages carpooling.
- 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
- 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
- 11. It makes fellow employees look better.
- 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
- 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
- 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
- 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
- 16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Top 13 Warning Labels the FDA is considering placing on beer and alcohol bottles
- 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
- 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
- 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
- 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
You'll need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
- Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
- Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
- Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
- Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup.
- Turn off the mixer.
- Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Mix on the tuner.
- If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
- Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of saltm or something. Who cares?
- Check the whiskey.
- Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
- Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
- Throw the bowl out of the window.
- Check the whiskey.
- Check the oven and wishkey every 5 doneness for minutes.