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Funny Computer Jokes

from mugley

Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ:

  1. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
  2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
  3. Those who don't have it think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
  4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
  5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
  6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
  7. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
  8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
  9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
  10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He works for Microsoft, writing error messages

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications.

He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.

Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

  • A "don't remind me again" button.
  • Minimize button.
  • Ability to delete the "headache" file
  • An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
  • An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

Virus Alert

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself.

Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message.

To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

  1. You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
  2. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
  3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  4. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
  5. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
  6. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
  7. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop
  8. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  9. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: cable modem...T1...T3.
  10. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
  11. You find yourself typing "com"after every period when using a word
  12. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  13. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  14. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
  15. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  16. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new mail arrives.
  17. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  18. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  19. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  20. Your dog has its own home page.
  21. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
  22. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet.
  23. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
  24. You believe nothing looks sexier than a nude illuminated only by a 19 LCD.
  25. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  26. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
  27. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  28. You don't know what sex your three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  29. You name your children Mozilla and Dotcom.
  30. You laugh at people with 56K modems.
  31. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
  32. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
  33. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
  34. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  35. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
  36. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
  37. Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
  38. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
  39. Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
  40. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  41. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
  42. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
  43. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
  44. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
  45. You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath.
  46. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  47. You forget what year it is.
  48. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  49. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
  50. Your wife says communication is important in a you buy another computer so the two of you can chat.