Funny Jokes Involving Women
A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The Nagging Wife
Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"
Step Back, I Know First-Aid
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
Extra Effort Award
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts
Women with big breasts…
- ..can get a taxi on the worst days
- ..have a neat place to carry spare change
- ..have always been the centre of the arts
- ..make jogging a spectator sport
- ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
- ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
- ..always float better
- ..know where to look first for lost earrings
- ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
- ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women with small breasts…
- ..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
- ..always look younger
- ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
- ..can always see their toes and shoes
- ..can sleep on their stomachs
- ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
- ..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
- ..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
- ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
A woman's revenge .. the drink ..
A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.
First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....
"It's called Blowjob revenge"
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!
A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.
Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!"
The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!
By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!"
The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly refunded!
Underwear is Important
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, screw, Etc."
A man doing market research for Vaseline contacted a young mother of three and asked ' Have you ever used our product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little surprised; 'Usually people lie say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.'
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
The doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.
The woman replied, snorting pepper.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
I have a frog in the back
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high.
She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment.
She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.
The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?
Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "
Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "
How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Lets Swap Positions
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "
What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".