Funny Jokes Involving Women
Understanding a Woman
"We need "
Really Means - I want
Really Means - You need
"It's your decision"
Really Means - The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"We need to talk"
Really Means - I need to complain
"Do what you want"
Really Means - You'll pay for this later.
"You're ... so manly"
Really Means - You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
"Sure... go ahead"
Really Means - I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset"
Really Means - Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're certainly attentive tonight."
Really Means - Is sex all you ever think about?
"I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!"
Really Means - I'm on my period.
"Be romantic, turn out the lights."
Really Means - I'm Embarrassed
"This kitchen is so inconvenient"
Really Means - I want a new house.
"You have to learn to communicate."
Really Means - Just agree with me.
Really Means - No
Really Means - No
Really Means - No
"I heard a noise"
Really Means - I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?"
Really Means - I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?"
Really Means - I did something you're not going to like.
"I'll be ready in a minute."
Really Means - Be patient I'll be a while.
"Am I a little fat?"
Really Means - Tell me I'm beautiful.
Really Means - You'll be sorry.
"Do you like this recipe?"
Really Means - It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
"Was that the baby?"
Really Means - Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
"I'm not yelling!"
Really Means - Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
"All we're going to buy is a soap dish"
Really Means - Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
Joe: "I wish the women would leave the driving to us." John: "
Hey! What happened?"
Joe: "My wife backed the car out of the garage this morning."
John: "So what's wrong with that?"
Joe: "I backed it in last night."
Lesbian "what do you call" humor
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
5. What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends? A Bush Hog
6. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
7. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
8. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
Ah Sorority Girls
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers."
What is a sorority girls favorite position?
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart.
One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?"
The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to.
" So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three
That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.
A Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
All of a sudden the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says...
"Now, tell Him you have a headache."
Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon.
As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other says, "It's the cobblestones."
Why Beer Is Better Than Women
- You can enjoy a beer all month long.
- Beer stains wash out.
- You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
- Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
- If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
- Beer is never late.
- A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- A hangover will go away.
- Beer labels come off without a fight.
- When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
- A beer never has a headache.
- A beer will never nag you.
- A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
- If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
- A beer always goes down easy.
- You can share a beer with friends.
- You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
- A beer is always wet.
- A beer doesn't demand equality.
- You can have a beer in public.
- A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
- A frigid beer is a good beer.
- You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
- If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
- The female always makes the rules.
- The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
- No male can possibly know all the rules.
- If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
- The female is never wrong.
- If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
- If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
- The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.
- The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
- The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
- The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
- The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.
- If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table enjoying her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"