Redneck Jokes and Stuff
You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as branding".
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya Hear".
Twins and Twins
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Kathy and Katy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth and Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen---- "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were whole bunch of times we didn't get nothin'."
Bubba in the military
Bubba`s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah sure did!'
'Did they chop all-a ya firewood?'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
Ya Might be ah Redneck If
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
Your junior prom had a day-care.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
You've ever used lard in bed
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve
Fewer than half of your cars run.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
you mow your grass and find three cars.
The biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
" Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.