More Funny Animal Jokes
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired.
The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Things We Can Learn from a Dog
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and always stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
An undercover Sheriffs Deputy stops at a ranch in rural Alabama and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.’
The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’
The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.’ Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulls out his badge and thrusts it in the farmer's face. ‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
‘Your badge! Show him your badge!’
Going out for the Night
Going out for the night we were dressed and ready to go out for the party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
3 mice were sitting in a bar one day talking about how tough they were. The first one drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass down on the bar and said: "There isn't a mouse trap in the world that is strong enough to get me. As a matter of fact I like to spring them, catch the bar, do 25-30 bench presses with it then hop out.
The second mouse drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass on the bar and said: "D-con is no match for me. I like to eat it like candy, and on occasion, grind it up, roll it and smoke it. It's really great stuff."
The third mouse, drank his shot of whiskey, slammed it on the bar, got up off of his stool and started walking towards the door. The first mouse asked him where he was going. The third mouse looked over his shoulder and replied: "Home to screw the cat."
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree over yonder," sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more, he reached the second branch. And finally, after a while there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
An elephant was down by a watering hole having a drink when he saw a turtle out of the corner of his eye. Reacting with immediate swiftness he ran down to the water's edge, jumped up into the air and landed on the turtle, turning it to a revolting pulp.
A giraffe standing nearby noticed this and, faintly sickened, asked the elephant why he'd squished the turtle.
The elephant calmly replied by saying that particular turtle had given him a nasty bite on his trunk some 50 years earlier, with no provocation, and he had now got his revenge.
"Wow," said the giraffe, "you must have an incredible memory."
The elephant nodded proudly ... "Yes, it's turtle recall."
Randy the Rooster
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you.
Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.
But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, " Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself".
But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. "Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the circle of paper, assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I'm keeping all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
" Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Purchasing a New Bird
After years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and razor sharp beak.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Wica-wica bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Wica-wica bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Wica-wica bird! The shelf!"
Again the Wica-wica bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Wica-wica bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Wica-wica Bird, my butt!"
What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.