10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop.
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW.
5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND #1...It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.
Top Ten Signs You Work in the 00's
10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the '00's:
1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).
Always give 100% at work .......
12% On Monday
23% On Tuesday
40% On Wednesday
20% On Thursday
5% On Fridays
And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.What's Your Business Sign?
(1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.
(2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
(3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
(4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
(5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
(6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE
MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.
(10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
(11) RECRUITER,
"HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
(12) PARTNER,
PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job....Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM
Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it towork again.
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. "Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy
In the beginning, there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the Workers went into their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide it's strength." And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice President, saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how Shit Happens.
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
