Jokes about Teenagers
"Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?"
"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
Mommy sighs, knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies, the little girl is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens, how does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
When a family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad."
A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing.
After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing.
The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"
Rosebuds and Hanging Baskets
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a very shear blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says. "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Why We Love Children!
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
Little Boy in the Ladies Room
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
Are You a Cop
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins and I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
A little girl had just finished her 4first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Ever Done Anything Wild?
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. Definition of a teenager?
After a few moments, the young man said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well yes, I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."
Prepared for a Date
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. Definition of a teenager?
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
First Day of School
It was the first day of school... The kindergartners were now first graders.
The teacher made an announcement to the class. "Now that you are in the first grade, we will need to work on using grown-up words and not using baby words anymore. "
"Let's tell everyone what we did over the summer.."
Well, the first little girl got up and said that she went to see her "nana" over the vacation.
The teacher said "that's good! But, we need to start saying grandma like a grown-up, not nana that's a baby word."
The next little boy got up and said with a big smile that he went for a long ride on a "choo-choo".
The teacher said "I bet that was exciting! But, we need to start saying train like a grown-up, not choo-choo, that's a baby word."
Well, the last little boy got up to tell what he had done. He said that he read a book. The teacher said "that's wonderful! Which book did you read?"
The little boy stood up nice and tall, puffed out his chest and in his most adult voice he could muster, he said "Winnie the Shit"
A first grade teacher collected some old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
Why Love Happens
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manual, age 8
What Love is Like
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7
Handsomeness and Beauty in Love
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9
How do People in Love Behave?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, age 8
Why Lovers Hold Hands
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9
Opinions on Love
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10
Qualities of a Good Lover
"Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8
Ways to Make Someone Fall in Love With You
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9
How can you tell if two people at a restaurant are in love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food." Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." Christine, age 9
When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7
Learning to Kiss :
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7 "It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9
Is It Okay to Kiss?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you .. That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." Sarah, age 9
How to Make Love Endure
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love." Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9