Funny Marriage Jokes
Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
A while ago I signed myself up for one of those institutions that gradually wean you off of your need for money to the point that, if you don't have any - you don't care.
...I got married.
A Terrible Accident
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
New Arrival in the House
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband was thrilled, kissed his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow my mother moves in with us," she replied.
I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
When I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built,
semi-dressed young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
A quiet Round of Golf
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"
The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle.
We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end.
I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's f***y.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "
I don't remember much after that..
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
Being very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
On His Deathbed
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic but, the fourth and youngest is small and ugly.
Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine.
I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him.
"Yes my dearest absolutely no question I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it, honey?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
Wife vs. Husband!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she "
Witticisms and Marriage
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use each day . . . 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . .."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why.
When a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "
What was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the Other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' .... and she's always sound asleep.
Traveling to the Pet Cemetery
An old woman was traveling by bus to the local pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband."
He'd always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"Uhhh . . . is this 832-4821?"
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.
LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
Remembering the First Time
'Oh Kenny, do you remember, the last time we were up here. It was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time.' 'I remember sweetheart, we made love next to that fence over there. What do you think about doing it again.'
She agreed and they got close to the fence so no one would see them and started making love. Soon she went completely wild, moving about like she was a possessed woman.
"Wow, Sweetheart, you didn't do that last time."
"I know" she stammered, "the fence wasn't electrified back then."
Have you ever done that?
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."