More Jokes about Men

"I'm hungry."
Really Means - I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy."
Really Means - I'm sleepy.

"Do you want to go to a movie?"
Really Means - I'd like to have sex

"Can I take you out to dinner?"
Really Means - I'd like to have sex

"Can I call you sometime?"
Really Means - I'd like to have sex

"Nice dress!"
Really Means - Nice cleavage!

"What's wrong?"
Really Means - What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"I love you, too."
Really Means - Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
Really Means - I liked it better before.

"Let's talk."
Really Means - I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then we can have sex

"Will you marry me?"
Really Means - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

"I like that one better." (while shopping)
Really Means - Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

"She's one of the rabid feminists,"
Really Means - "She refused to make my coffee."

"That's women's work,"
Really Means - "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really Means - "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It would take too long to explain,"
Really Means - "I have no idea how it works."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really Means - "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"We're going to be late,"
Really Means - "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"
Really Means - "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,"
Really Means - "I forgot our anniversary again."

"It's a guy thing,"
Really Means - "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making itlogical."

"I can't find it,"
Really Means - "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"I'm getting more exercise lately,"
Really Means - "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"That's interesting, dear,"
Really Means - "Are you still talking?"

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"
REALLY MEANS,
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'mhurt."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"
Really Means - "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing athong."

"It's really a good movie,"
Really Means - "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"I heard you,"
Really Means - "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, "

"You know how bad my memory is,"
Really Means - "I forgot your birthday."

"You expect too much of me,"
Really Means - "You want me to stay awake."

"I do help around the house,"
Really Means - "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"I brought you a present,"
Really Means - "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"What did I do this time?"
Really Means - "What did you catch me doing?"

"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing,"
Really Means - "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"You really look terrific in that outfit,"
Really Means - "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you,"
Really Means - "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"We share the housework,"
Really Means - "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious,"
Really Means - "I like you as much as I like my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions,"
Really Means - "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"
Really Means - "No one will ever see us alive again."

The garage is all yours.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Your ass is never a factor in an interview.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

Wrinkles add character.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Wedding plans take care of themselves

Your last name stays put.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

The world is your urinal.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

You don't have to leave the room to make crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You don't have to schedule sex and vacations around your reproductive system.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

One mood, all the time

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "Theres something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

- Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow party goers.

- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

- If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running; late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

- Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

- If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --

- you didn't see nothin'.

- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're running on a tropical beach . . . and it's delivered by a topless super model . . . and it's free!

- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

- If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him . . . too gay.

- Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat".

- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

The 5 toughest questions women ask

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

Other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is; "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.

Wrong answers include:

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.

In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: " Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not,dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."