After a day at the beach Moe asked "Joe, how come all the girls are interested in you, and they don't pay any attention to me"? Joe said," well, if you won't tell anyone I'll tell you my secret. All you have to do is put a potato in your swimming suit. Then they will notice you!" After the next day at the beach, Moe said "Joe look, I did what you said, and all they did was laugh at me." Joe said" NO,NO,Moe, Put it in front! Not in back!!
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the
factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," I think you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."
A big burly bartender had a contest going. Anyone that could get another drop of juice out of a lemon after he squeezed it would receive $1000. All the stevedores, lumberjacks, oil workers, construction workers every type of strong men tried, but they all failed. Then, one day a scrawny little man with glasses and a derby hat came in, and asked to try out. Of course all the barflies, etc., laughed their heads off. If those other strong men couldn't do it, how could this small person possibly do it. So the bartender got a lemon and squeezed with all his might until no more juice was left and handed it to him. He squeezed and squeezed and, by George, not one, but three drops came out! The bartender couldn't believe it! He exclaimed, "How did you do that? What line of work are you in, mister?" The answer was "Why, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
This woman has always wanted a parrot and so she saves up her money and buys a parrot. As soon as she gets the parrot home it begins saying these incredibly foul obscenities. The woman rightly offended by the bird's use of the English language takes the bird back to the pet store where she got it and explains to the owner the problem. The owner agrees that the bird's language is most certainly unacceptable and tells her that the next time the parrot swears to put the parrot in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes.
The woman takes the parrot home and no sooner do they get through the door when the parrot states an obscenity so foul, it would make a Marine drill sergeant blush.
The woman take the Parrot and places him in the freezer for exactly 2 minutes. At the end of two minutes she opens the door and she sees the parrot standing there shivering. The woman says to the parrot "that's it I've had it. I'll have no more swearing out of you. If you do it again I'll put you back in the freezer" The parrot replies "I won't do it again, I swear, I'll be good". The woman takes the parrot out of the freezer. The parrot looks at the woman and says, with trepidation in his voice, " I've just got one question, What did the chicken say?"
Farmer Brown and his wife went to the Dr. They told the Dr that Mr. Brown worked in the field and when he felt sexy, he would leave his mules and plow and run to the house. But, by the time he got to the house he was out of the mood. They asked the Dr's advice. The Dr said? "Why don't you take your shotgun with you to the field. Then when you feel the urge, fire the shotgun and start running to the house. When the wife hears the gun, she should start running toward you. That way, you'll meet half way and everything should be alright. They left. A few weeks later the Dr saw Mr. Brown in town and asked him how the idea worked out. Mr. Brown said; "Fine until hunting season started and the wife ran herself to death."
An old lady came into her Doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do"? "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week".
The next week an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blake's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they are still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself"? "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now we know we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing"!
An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Hell, mister, what's time to a pig?"
Joe: "I wish the women would leave the driving to us." John: "
Hey! What happened?"
Joe: "My wife backed the car out of the garage this morning."
John: "So what's wrong with that?"
Joe: "I backed it in last night."
A farmer had about 30 cows that needed servicing, but he did not have a bull. So he went to his friend down the road and asked if he could buy one of his bulls. The friend said he would sell him his best bull and he would guarantee him. A week later the two met in town and the friend said, "How is my bull doing?" The farmer said, "He isn't doing anything all he does is just sit around and eat, he hasn't touched one of my cows." The friend says, "I guaranteed him, take him to the vet and he will fix him up and I will pay the bill." So that was what the farmer did. A week later they met in town again. The friend says, "How is my bull doing now?" The farmer said, "I couldn't believe it, he serviced all 30 of my cows in just one afternoon." The friend said, "My goodness what did the vet give him?" The farmer said, "I don't remember the name of the medicine, but it sort of tasted like peaches."
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the house of a woman who was about to give birth. The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what he was doing. After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord, cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to get the baby breathing. The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"
There were two entrances to the Pearly Gates and over one was a sign saying "Henpecked Husbands". There was an extremely long line in front of that entrance. The other entrance had a sign saying "He-men". There was only one shriveled up little guy waiting there. St. Peter went up to the little guy and asked him why he was waiting there and the little guy said "my wife told me to stand here".
Jack wanted to buy some nuts so he went to the store. There he saw several kinds. He asked the store owner, "How much the almonds cost?" the owner said, "Ten dollars pound." Jack said they are too high. Then he asked the cost of the cashews. The owner replied, twelve dollars per pound." Jack walked over to the peanuts and asked the price. The owner said nine dollars per pound. Then Jack looked at the owner and asked what's that on your chin? The owner said it was a pimple, haven't you seen a pimple before? Well, Bob said, "I thought it might be your navel since your nuts are so high.
You're traveling in the South. There are three potatoes sitting on the curb. How do you tell which is the prostitute? The one that has the sign that says IDAHO
A man walked into the lingerie department in a large department store. After getting up enough nerve, he approached a saleslady. Seeing he was already red faced, she asked if she could help him. He finally stammered and told her his wife had asked him to get her a bra. When he was asked what size she wanted, he realized he didn't know. Being helpful, the clerk asked him if he could give her a clue. " Are they the size of grapefruits " she asked. " No", he said, " not that big. " Well, how about oranges ", "no not that big ". "plums " " no". Running out of fruits she said," how about eggs . His face lit up as he said "yes!!! fried eggs".
A little boy and his father were standing in line at the grocery store behind a really large woman. She was dressed like an executive and was wearing a beeper. The little boy was bored and could not stop looking at the woman. Finally, he said to his father, "Dad, look at the size of her rear!" The father was appalled and said, "Shh! Son, Its not nice to talk that way about other people!" So, after being quiet for a while longer, the little boy said "Dad, take a look at the size of her legs!" and again the dad says, "Quiet son , you're embarrassing me!" It wasn't long after that when her beeper went off, and the boy shouted, "Look out Dad, she's backing up!"
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random.. "salvation Army" came the answer. "What do you do?" asked the man. "We save wicked men and women," came the reply. "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."
At the bus station, there was a fairly long line waiting to get on the bus. The bus driver unlocked the coach, started up the bus, and motioned for the first in line to board. The first in line was a very beautiful woman with a great figure. She had on a very tight sweater and a leather mini-skirt which zipped up in the back. She started to step up into the bus, but found her skirt was too tight. She smiled at the driver, then reached around with her arm and unzipped about two inches, thinking that would loosen things up enough so she could get up the steps. But again, she found that her skirt was still too tight. So she reached around again and unzipped about two more inches, then took a step up. But she found that the skirt was still too tight. The bus driver said, "Look, lady, we've got a schedule to keep. Hurry up and get on the bus. She apologized to the driver, and reached around one more time and zipped down two more inches, but she still could not get enough freedom to get up the steps. Finally, the second in line, a big Texan, put his hands around her waist, picked her up, deposited her on the floor of the coach, and smacked her in the butt. She whirled around and slapped him, and said "What makes you think you have the right to touch me like that? We don't even know each other!" The Texan, with a puzzled look on his face, said with a drawl, "Wal, I kinda thought we knew each other a little better than that. After all, y'all've unzipped ma' fly three times!"
A Texas Insurance Agent tells of a courtroom exchange between a defense Attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. Attorney," At the scene of the accident did you tell the 'Constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer "that's right." Attorney, "Well then how is it you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's automobile hit your wagon?" Farmer "When the constable arrived he went over to Rover ,my dog, who was all banged up and shot him. Then he went over to my horse who had a broken leg and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say, "I've never felt better in my life
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
As ordered, each man took his place in ranks, oblivious to the freezing cold and snow. The major, then proceeded to walk through the ranks, stopping at one soldier. The major took his swagger stick, and proceeded to strike the youngsoldier across the face. " Did that hurt? demanded the major. " Nien" replied the soldier. "And why not?"questioned the major. The soldier replied, "because I'm a soldier in the German Army" "Very good" said the major. The officer then approached another soldier, and taking his swagger stick, pushed it forcefully into the young man's stomach. The young soldier made no sound, nor did he move. "Did that hurt?" the major asked. "Nien " was the soldier's response. "And why not?" asked the major. The young soldier responded with "because I'm a soldier in the German Army". "Good" said the major. The major then looked down the row of naked men, and noticed one of them was sexually aroused. Walking over to this soldier, the major raised his swagger stick, and with all his might, brought it down on the fully erect manhood.. "Did that hurt? asked the major. "Nien " was the soldier's reply. The major now standing face to face with the young soldier asked "And why not?. The soldier, looking the major directly into his eyes, quietly said "because it belongs to da man behind me
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Hierologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by saying you know about the whole family.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike. If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy
