Old Fart Jokes
Fashion tips for aging baby boomers
Many baby boomers, caught between wanting to stay young, and the reality of slipping into old age are confused about what is considered appropriate dress. So we at Bit of Fun would like to provide you with a few fashion tips.
Despite what you may have seen, the following combinations DO NOT go together!
- A nose ring and bifocals
- Spiked hair and bald spots
- A pierced tongue and dentures
- Mini skirts and support hose
- Speedos and cellulite
- Short shorts and varicose veins
- A belly button ring and a big belly
- Banana shorts and Depends
- Halter-tops and a hanging bulge
- Bikinis and liver spots, or bikinis and gray hair
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
Have a little raisin bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
An fine Greek family was considering putting their Pappous in a nursing home. All the Greek facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit the old gentleman.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful." says Pappous.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since being Greek you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Pappous says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'."
"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'."
"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'."
"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*****g Greek'."
Surely I can’t look that old?
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?”
I was sitting in the waiting room for m y first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his D.D.S. diploma. Which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some thirty-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could he??
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School.
”Yes. Yes, I did.” He gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, In 1967, Why do you ask?”
"You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, what did you teach?”
Grandpa visits a Biker Bar
A drunken elderly man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking babe!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is real good, the best lay I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."
An elderly man in North Carolina owned a large farm that happened to have a large pond.
It was just the right size for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, a dock, and shade trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to tale a walk down to the pond and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he approached the pond, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Not wanting to startle the women he made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!
The old man smiled and said , 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.' as he held up five-gallon pail.
'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Mind and Muscle
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dil-does h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
" W-well h-how-w do y-you t-t-turn it o-off
What a lady
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
100 year old Twins
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
Martha, do you Remember?
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?"
Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."
Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.
She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present."
He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "
I am yours for super sex", she answers.
He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."
Ravages of Time
Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies.
Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything.
But thank God I can still drive
Old Couple Watching Chickens
Old couple watching chickens in yard.
Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn.
Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?"
He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.
What's in Your Ear
There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?"
The other, with a puzzled look, said, "I don't know", and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!"
Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."
Do you Remember
This old couple's sitting in their breakfast nook one morning one morning.
The lady turns to her husband and says, "Do you remember what we were doing 50 years ago this morning?" "
Yes," he replies, "We was eating breakfast in the nude."
"That's right," she says, "Lets do it again and see if we can re-kindle some of those old feelings?"
"OK, "he agrees.
Later, as they were eating, she says "Pa. I think it's working. My tits are as warm for you now as they ever were."
"Well, they ought to be," he says. "You got one tit hanging in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."
Jake, I'm Dead
Sadie wakes up and says to her husband, "Jake, I'm dead".
Jake responds. What's the matter with you, Sadie, you aren't dead. You're talking to me."
"No, Jake, I'm definitely dead". "Sadie, you are not dead. Why do you think you're dead" Sadie responds, "Because nothing hurts
I have been wondering about my penis
A man in his sixties goes to the Doctor. The Dr. checks him out and tells him everything is fine. The Doctor then asks if he had any questions.
Well The man says, "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it."
Doc tell me am I getting stronger
How old do you think I am?
A very healthy, spry-looking 95-year-old man moves into a nursing home. He walks up to a frail looking man walking down the hall with a walker, and says: "How old do you think I am?"
The man answers: "I'd say 60."
"Nope, I'm 95!" the man boasts.
Down the hall, he sees a woman in a room watching TV from a wheelchair & walks up to her and asks her to guess his age.
Right away she unzips his fly & fondles him for a few minutes, then looks at him and says: "You're 95."
The man looks at her incredulously and asks: "How did you know that?"
She shrugs and says: "I heard you tell the fellow in the hall."
This is too good to be true
Martha complained to her husband that he was just getting old and listless. She suggested that he go to the doctor for a checkup and see if the doctor could give him something to pep him up.
When he got home from the doctors he was a different man. He chased his wife around the house and couldn't get her to bed often enough.
Martha was worn out. She thought, "This is too good to be true. I'm going to the doctor and see if he can do something for me."
The Husband drove his wife to the doctor's office and waited while she went in to see the doctor.
Martha said to the doctor, "What did you tell my husband. He is like a new man."
The doctor said, "Well, I don't know. I gave him a checkup but I don't remember saying anything that would change him like that."
She said, "Well, he's right out here in the waiting room. You ask him. George came into the office. The doctor said, "What did I say to you that gave you so much energy?"
George said, "You said be cheerful. You have a hot mama!"
The doctor said. "Oh, no! I said, be careful. You have a heart murmur!"
Signs of Growing Old
Do you know the four signs of growing old?
1. Forgetting names,
2. Forgetting faces,
3. Forgetting to zip up,
4. Forgetting to zip down
The Body of a 30 Year Old
Woman of advanced age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman.
Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big ass?"
She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear."
When we have Sex
The old man and his wife went to the doctor for their yearly checkup, and the doctor saw the old man first, and asked him how things were going.
Fine, says the old man, except one thing. When we have sex, the first time it is great. The second time I break out into a sweat, start shaking and don't know what's going on.
The doc gets the old man's wife into his office and tells her what her husband said. No wonder, she says. The first time is in January and the second time is in July.
Wants his Love Life Lowered
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his love life lowered.
The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old."
The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his love life be lowered. It's all in your head.
The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
Large Bowl of Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman for his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.
"Not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to eat few."
"Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
A Senior Couple went to the Doctor
A senior couple went to the doctor for the husbands annual checkup. The husband was hard of hearing so when the doctor called his name, He said what did he say, to his wife.
His wife said ,"it's your turn " and the man went in to be examined.
When the doctor finished, They came out to the waiting room and the doctor explained to the wife that except for a slight hearing problem the man seemed to be in good shape.
He then said to the man that he would now need a urine sample, a stool sample.
The man turned to his wife and said " What did he say" ".
The wife replyed," Give him your under shorts".
Victoria Secret Valentine's Day Present
A man goes into Victoria Secret's to buy his wife a Valentine's day present. "I want something very shear," he asked.
"This is a shear nighty replied the clerk and its $200." "Not shear enough" said the man.
"This one is much sheerer, but it costs $300," said the salesperson. "Not shear enough," said the man.
"Well, this one is the most shear, and it is $500."
"Perfect, I'll take it."
The man goes home and presents the gift to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it.
The wife does, and sees the sales slip which he inadvertently left in the package.
She thinks, $500 for this? I'll wrap it up to return it and keep the $500 for something else, it's so shear, he'll never know the difference.
So she takes all her clothes off except for high heels and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "How do you like it?" she asks.
"Great," he answers, "but for $500 bucks you think they would at least iron it."
They would sit together every every night
Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night.
And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his rod in her hand as they sat together.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.
Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old."
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."
The Church Organist
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."