There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
Two old ladies were rocking in their chairs on the nursing home porch. One says "Martha, do you remember the minuet?" Martha answers "Heck, I don't even remember the ones I slept with."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers. He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."
Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything but thank God I can still drive
Old couple watching chickens in yard. Rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: might could Ma, if I had a different chick each time.
There were two old fellows who were chatting. Suddenly one of them asked, "What in the world is that sticking out of your right ear?" The other, with a puzzled look, said, "I don't know", and reached up pulling out the object, then exclaimed, "My word, a suppository!" Then he slapped his forehead and excitedly declared, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid."
This old couple's sitting on their front porch rocking one morning, she says to him, "Do you remember what we were doing 50 years ago this morning?" "Yes," he replies, "We was eating breakfast in the nude." "That's right," she says, "Lets do it again and see if we can re-kindle some of those old feelings?" "OK, "he agrees.
Later, as they were eating, she says "Pa. I think it's working. My tits are as warm for you now as they ever were." "Well, they ought to be," he says. "You got one tit hanging in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."
Sadie wakes up and says to her husband, "Jake, I'm dead". Jake responds. What's the matter with you, Sadie, you aren't dead. You're talking to me." "No, Jake, I'm definitely dead". "Sadie, you are not dead. Why do you think you're dead" Sadie responds, "Because nothing hurts
A man in his sixties goes to the Doctor. The Dr. checks him out and tells him everything is fine. The Doctor asked if he had any questions. The man stated he did. "I have been wondering about my penis. When I was 17 and it was hard I could not bend it." When I was in my 40's and it was hard I could bend it a little bit." Now that I am in my 60's and it gets hard I can bend the hell out of it." Doc tell me am I getting stronger
A very healthy, spry-looking 95-year-old man moves into a nursing home. He walks up to a frail looking man walking down the hall with a walker, and says: "How old do you think I am?" The man answers: "I'd say 60." "Nope, I'm 95!" the man boasts. Down the hall, he sees a woman in a room watching TV from a wheelchair & walks up to her and asks her to guess his age. Right away she unzips his fly & fondles him for a few minutes, then looks at him and says: "You're 95." The man looks at her incredulously and asks: "How did you know that?" She shrugs and says: "I heard you tell the fellow in the hall."
Martha complained that her husband, George, was just getting too old and listless. She suggested that he go to the doctor for a checkup and see if the doctor could give him something to pep him up. George went to the doctor and when he got home he was a different man. He chased his wife around the house and couldn't get her to bed often enough. Martha was worn out. She thought, "This is too good to be true. I'm going to the doctor and see if he can do something for me." George drove his wife to the doctor's office and waited while she went in to see the doctor. Martha said to the doctor, "What did you tell my husband. He is like a new man." The doctor said, "Well, I don't know. I gave him a checkup but I don't remember saying anything that would change him like that." She said, "Well, he's right out here in the waiting room. You ask him. George came into the office. The doctor said, "What did I say to you that gave you so much energy?" George said, "You said be cheerful. You have a hot mama!" The doctor said. "Oh, no! I said, be careful. You have a heart murmur!"
Do you know the four signs of growing old?
1. Forgetting names,
2. Forgetting faces,
3. Forgetting to zip up,
4. Forgetting to zip down
Woman of advanced age goes for her annual physical examination. She returns home and tells her husband that the doctor told her she has the body of a 30 year old woman. Her husband responds, "And what did he say about your big ass?" She replied quickly, "Your name never came up, dear."
The old man and his wife went to the doctor for their yearly checkup, and the doctor saw the old man first, and asked him how things were going. Fine, says the old man, except one thing. When we have sex, the first time it is great. The second time I break out into a sweat, start shaking and don't know what's going on.
The doc gets the old man's wife into his office and tells her what her husband said. No wonder, she says. The first time is in January and the second time is in July.
This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered."
A preacher visits an elderly woman for his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "Not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to eat few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
A senior couple went to the doctor for the husbands annual checkup. The husband was hard of hearing so when the doctor called his name, He said what did he say, to his wife. His wife said ,"it's your turn " and the man went in to be examined. When the doctor finished, They came out to the waiting room and the doctor explained to the wife that except for a slight hearing problem the man seemed to be in good shape. He then said to the man that he would now need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. The man turned to his wife and said " What did he say" ". The wife than said," Give him your under shorts".
A man goes into Victoria Secret's to buy his wife a Valentine's day present. "I want something very shear," he asked. "This is a shear nighty and its $200." "Not shear enough" said the man. "This one is much sheerer, but it costs $300," said the salesperson. "Not shear enough," said the man. "Well, this one is the most shear, and it is $500." "Perfect, I'll take it." The man goes home and presents the gift to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it. The wife does, and sees the sales slip which he inadvertently left in the package. She thinks, $500 for this? I'll wrap it up to return it and keep the $500 for something else, it's so shear, he'll never know the difference. So she takes all her clothes off except for high heels and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "How do you like it?" she asks. "Great," he answers, "but for $500 bucks you think they would at least iron it."
Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night. And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his penis in her hand as they sat together.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
