Funny Redneck Jokes
Ba Ba Black Sheep
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly.
It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, and ballgames.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember what you planted on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
Tasties in a Half Shell
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
Escape a DWI Rap
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks.
''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.
" Oh no Sir, " replies the driver.
" I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking? ".
" Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight. "
" Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead? "
" That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch! "
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.''
He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.''
So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do.
A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?
He married her!
Football Fan To The Rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Free Sex with Fill Up
Two good ol' boys were driving down the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free Sex with Fill-up."
They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant started to walk away.
"Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?"
The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.
"Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10." "6."
"No, the answer was 3. Sorry."
As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed. "7."
"No, I told you the answer was 3." The driver sped off.
"I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to win.'
"Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."
Once there were two best friends, named Fred and DooDah. They were old fishing buddies, and one day headed out to their favorite lake to fish.
After getting out on the lake, DooDah hooked a huge fish, which proceeded to pull him overboard, where he drowned a horrible watery death.
Fred was brokenhearted, since DooDah was his best friend. But sad as he was, he realized that he would have to tell DooDah's wife the terrible news.
He thought long and hard, but just couldn't think of the right words. Finally, he took a deep breath and knocked on her door. DooDah's wife opened the door and heard Fred started singing:
"Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Hillbilly Animal Etiquette
What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it.
Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor.
The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail.
He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares.
Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a blue movie.
This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''