Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them, before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, the daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. The mother said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at her mother and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

Classes for women – Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier
Where No Woman Has Gone Before

Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking
Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties
Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

Topic 5. Communication Skills I
Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II
Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely
A Skill You CAN Acquire.

New evening classes for men!!! Open to men only!

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

The other day my blonde neighbor, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy"

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her,"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, "There's more"

I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, I went to Sam's Club and they had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive.

Try saying ''I won a math debate'' real fast.

How many times can you do it before you break into laughter?

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.

‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

My friend asked me what type of batteries she should sell at the beach. I thought C-Cells, but it's hard to say.

My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

14. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

15. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.

What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!

Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.

What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved

If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives

According to a new study, marijuana smokers get into fewer car accidents than beer drinkers.

Scientists say this is because potheads are too lazy to get off the couch to drive somewhere

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

"Jesus loves you" is usually a good thing to hear....unless you are in a Mexican jail.

What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s disease?

You keep meeting new friends.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

Jack and Max are walking from religious service.
Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son.
By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'