Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon.

Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother will be coming to live with you and your wife."

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a recorder

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?

I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who's around.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they won't remember them.

Australian Shepherd: I have a better idea... let's herd all the light-bulbs into one place.

Basset Hound: You go ahead. I'll just take a nap.

German Shepherd: I'm on it! Of course, I'll need to replace the light fixture and the wiring to bring everything up to code.

Golden Retriever: Who needs a lightbulb? Let's go outside and play fetch!

Labrador Retriever (Lab): Oh, me, me! Let me change all the light-bulbs!

Old English Sheep Dog: Huh? Who turned out the lights?

Pointer: There it is! What are you waiting for? There it is! Change it!

A professor when asked how long a paper should be, replied "It should be like a woman's skirt".

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

"Could you give me something to cure hiccups, please?"

The pharmacist leans over the counter and gives the man a good slap on the back. Then he asks, "Have they gone?"

The man replies, "My wife's waiting in the car, but I'll go and ask her."

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only accurate way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and and looked around, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner and a movie, then took him to a motel for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already left. By the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit."