Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

What do you call an impotent lizard?

Answer:
A reptile dysfunction

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there.

"Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness".

I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room.

"So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked.

He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies.

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was, like, 0mg!

The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!"

The rope left, tied his top end, fluffed out the fringe and reentered the bar. The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children, apparently scared by the loud storm, in bed with my wife, Karen. That night I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip, Karen and the children picked me up in the airport terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said excitedly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" my son shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area for his Mom.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most
Beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be
The most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.

No wait... I'm thinking of wine.

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

I told her that I'd go thru anything for her.
She said, Good, Lets start with your bank account

In the bar earlier, some chick said to me, you look much better without glasses.
I said, I don't wear glasses!
She said, No, but I do!

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six Year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.
When she came to the part where the first pig was gathering building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of That straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy said very matter-of-factly, "Holy Cow! A talking pig!!

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.

Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.

All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night.

Captain replied: Only once sir.

General laughed n asked why?

Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir

The most important question from the career placement test given to all applicants for a Military Commission.

It went: "Rearrange the letters: P – N – E – S – I :to spell out an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

All those who spelled SPINE became Doctor's, the rest went to Basic Training.

Guy walks into a Psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him and says

"I can clearly see your nuts!".

My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.

She's a keeper.